Business

MORE than three-quarters of all office workers are either drunk or drinking at their desks right now, according to a new report.

BRITAIN'S leading supermarket chains can only be defeated if a bronze dagger is plunged into their chest by the light of a full moon, the Competition Commission said today.

OIL company executives were last night heading to undisclosed locations amid speculation that consumers were about to make the link between high petrol prices and corporate profits.

BANKS in the UK were fucked yesterday, after a landmark court ruling.

A NEW designer uniform is going to generate the most amazing improvement in overall quality of life, grateful McDonald's workers said last night. 

CARLA Bruni, the incredibly hot wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, is to be the new face of Ginsters savoury treats.

FOUR out of 10 office staff are thinking about doing a bit of work at some point this year, a new study reveals. 

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has this morning opened the vaults at the Bank of England and urged Britain's idiots to help themselves.

THE Office of Fair Trading last night defended taking four years and millions of pounds to discover that builders might just be at it.

MARKS and Spencer has launched a legal challenge against the Inland Revenue, claiming that every one of its 25,000 products is a cake.