BRITAIN’S richest plumber and worst Rod Stewart tribute Charlie Mullins is leaving the UK to avoid tax. But what if he tries to return? Here’s how to keep this scourge from our shores:
Seal the borders
An extreme solution, but becoming North Korea should keep Mullins out. Yes, there will be famine and you’ll only ever holiday in Bridlington again, but nor will you ever hear Mullins’s casually moronic views on bone idle Britons or working from home being essentially benefit fraud. And really, wouldn’t that be better?
Ban cosmetic surgery
After six months in the hot sun of Dubai or whichever Tory Shangri-La Mullins hides out in, he’ll need his face trimming and stretching again. Making such facilities unavailable throughout our shores will be a deterrent to him returning, with a net loss of Jordan and Carol Vorderman.
Force him to plumb
Under new laws, if Charlie is apprehended in the UK he will be set to work as a plumber for 20 hours a day at gunpoint. He wouldn’t have time to go on TV spouting right-wing views from a home decorated like a Harvester. Wouldn’t such honest graft return him to a state of permanent whistling joy?
Make cliched right-wing opinions illegal
It’s authoritarian to ban free speech. A system of fines, however, when Charlie spouts formulaic views like his hate of ‘bastard union leaders’, his love of ‘common sense’, his irrational fear of the ‘dangerous trend of working from home’, or his detestation of cycle lanes and Sadiq Khan. He’ll be 80 grand down in a day.
Ban him from Talk TV
A regular on the internet-only channel which even Piers Morgan was too good for, Charlie represents the voice of all businesses whose CEO has nothing better to do at 8.45am every weekday but to appear on a venture which is haemorrhaging cash. Banning him will allow him to focus on his f**king plumbers for a change.
Have an SAS death squad ready to go
Any public sightings of Mullins in the UK would dispatch Lynx helicopters carrying SAS operatives briefed to shoot first and ask questions later. This may lead to an injury to Rod Stewart or the curtailing of the West End musical Tonight’s The Night, but freedom comes at a price.
Make plumbing a capital crime
There will be little incentive for Mullins to return if he can’t run a plumbing business, for plumbing is his life. Outlawing all domestic water supply equipment and death sentences of possession of a 24in pipe wrench should deter him from ever returning. It will plunge the country into a new dark age of dung, but worth it.
