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S Club Allstars, and other acts only still going to pay off the mortgage

EVERYONE has to pay the bills, even ex-celebrities. Here are some acts who are only still in it to make ends meet.

Rednex

Rednex are a Swedish band that made an unlikely success of mixing American country music with Eurodance, which says more about the weirdness of the 90s than the quality of their music. They are still on the road, belting out ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ to nostalgic 40-year-olds and, given there are now ten members of the band, presumably making a pittance.

S Club Allstars

Not so much a pop group as a financial aid programme for struggling former members of S Club 7 and S Club Juniors. If Paul Cattermole needs to pay off the loan for his conservatory extension, he’ll do a stint. If Jo O’Meara wants some lip fillers, she’ll join in a club appearance. It’s basically a payday loans company that does poor quality renditions of ‘S Club Party’.

The Cheeky Girls

The career trajectory of these twins reads like a fever dream, including a baffling appearance on Popstars, inexplicable chart success, shagging Lembit Opik and ending up working in a car dealership. They recently released a dreadful comeback single, which just went to show that their talents lie in flogging Hyundais rather than making music.

Boyzlife

The name makes them sound like a 90s gay chatline but this band is actually the project of two of the most forgettable members of Boyzone and Westlife, Keith Duffy and Brian McFadden. Wearing leather jackets and sporting long hair, they look exactly like what they are: a mid-life crisis come to life.

Jedward

When they were a musical act, the only talents Jedward had were being identical and having tall hair. However, they have recently reinvented themselves as woke, outspoken Twitter personalities and have more than half a million followers, which is presumably a lot more people than ever bought one of their records.

'Man caves' and other male nonsense women wouldn't get away with

MEN are a basic species who waste their lives on pointless guff. Here are some of their futile pursuits which women would not get away with:

Weekend rounds of golf

They call it a ‘sport’ but actually it’s a very slow five-hour dawdle around a park, occasionally failing to hit a ball into a hole. Of course it’s important to support your partner in having interests outside the relationship, but does it have to fall on the same day the kids are most likely to be going to yet another hideous soft play party? Apparently so.

Man caves

Have you ever heard anything more embarrassingly infantile than the phrase ‘man cave’? While the rest of the family manage to share the house like normal people, the man-baby you have foolishly chosen to spend your life with needs his own special room to drink craft ale, play video games and masturbate. What a prick.

Obsessing over fantasy football

When men are deep in thought, they aren’t contemplating life’s great mysteries or even lusting after other women. No, they’re considering whether it’s worth buying Marcus Rashford for their fantasy football team. Yes, women play it too, but they’ll make that decision in three seconds flat between doing the online food shop and ordering a new hose for the washing machine, rather than pondering it for several hours.

Being weird about the barbecue

While your partner is able to cook, he shows very little enthusiasm for it until the barbecue comes out. Then he starts acting like an even more annoying version of Gordon Ramsay and spends hours aggressively slapping meat around on it while ploughing through as many bottles of off-brand stubby beers as he can. Next time you’re just going to cook everything in the oven, and save yourself the tedium.

Watching every single superhero film several times

Having a look at the listings and deciding to see Black Panther: Wakanda Forever is one thing, spending the six months preceding the release date breathlessly swapping spoilers about it on Reddit is quite another. If your man is wasting his one precious life watching shit like Captain Marvel more than once, it’s time to rethink your choices.

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