subscribe
/ Sign Out

Man enjoying gig still wants it to be over

A MAN who is thoroughly enjoying the gig he is currently attending still, deep down inside, cannot wait for it to be over. 

Oliver O’Connor was excited to purchase tickets to see London Grammar, ticked off the days until his favourite band performed, and is now subconsciously counting the minutes until the performance finishes.

He said: “It is, of course, a privilege to be within a mere few hundred metres of one of the greatest bands of our era. But it will also take me 50 minutes to get home after.

“I’m really looking forward to having enjoyed this. Right now, the beer is warm and expensive, the other concert goers are annoying and I’m the only one not filming it. The memories will be great, though.

“Really, a concert is a hostage situation. The artist knows which songs the audience wants to hear but keeps them until last, forcing us to stay and cheer until the very end.

“Then there’s the whole embarrassing bullshit of them pretending to go off stage, like a game of peekaboo, and only coming back when we applaud. If I did that in my job as a data services manager, I’d be sacked.”

A member of the band, speaking anonymously, said: “You think we’re enjoying it? The set-list is a to-do list for us. God, we dream of the day our career’s finally over.” 

Why it's time for Millennials in Need, by Martin Bishop, aged 35

CHILDREN aren’t the only ones who have it tough, in fact us poor Millennials deserve your donations more. Here’s why.

Have you seen the price of anything lately?

A small tin of beans is £1.20. Two pints of milk push two quid. No wonder the birth rate is in decline if we can’t afford the basics. If older people want grandkids and younger people want to keep using us as an easy punching bag, they should dig deep every year with a big song and dance charity event. The mascot could be Pudsey living in his childhood bedroom.

You’ve all been really mean to us

It hasn’t escaped our attention that every other generation has been incredibly nasty to Millennials. For too long we’ve endured article after article claiming that we’ve killed everything from breakfast cereal to wine corks, and now Gen Z are having a go at our skinny jeans and side partings. A hundred grand in reparations to every Millennial is all it takes to make the pain go away though.

Wages have been stagnant since 2008

Just as huge swathes of us Millennials stumbled into the workforce with the useless degrees we were coerced into getting, the economy fell on its arse and hasn’t ever recovered. We white-knuckled it through years of austerity hoping that things would turn around, but then along came the pandemic and the threat of AI. Compared to some kids with their whole lives ahead of them, we’re much more in need of your cash.

I want to buy a house

Or at the very least a flat. And if my parents are too tight and poor to stump up the deposit then the public will have to help. I could organise an annual event where you feel guilt tripped into making yourself look like a tit for charity, or you could save yourself the hassle and just PayPal some funds directly into my account. Choice is yours.

We’re essentially children anyway

Older Millennials may be in their forties, but they’re only adults physically. As a generation we still cling onto symbols of our youth like Pokemon, Harry Potter and Friends because we haven’t matured mentally, which is much more depressing than a short film about Barnardo’s wedged between some light entertainment when you think about it.

Next story ›