Lovers' Guide, and other sexy things that look pathetically dated in hindsight

19th December 2024

THE famous 1991 sex tips video Lovers’ Guide is in the news due to the sad death of one its stars. But like so many vaguely forbidden sex things, the reality didn’t match up…

Early internet porn

Boy, were you in for some hot wanking! Well, after having your ears tortured by a screeching dial-up modem and waiting ages for an image to download. Only then could you self-abuse while praying no one walked in on you and your large, slow, non-portable desktop PC and monitor. It was just so sexy.

Lovers’ Guide

Watching this fabled video would lead to unimaginable sexual pleasures. Actually you could just buy it from WHSmith, but it was still regarded with the same awe as a sexy version of the Necronomicon. It’s basically just a real couple having real sex with a constant female voiceover that sounds as if she’s warning you about firework safety. Just because we have sexual fantasies, she says, ‘doesn’t mean we have to do it in real life’. Well that’s bloody fortunate when it comes to sex with Leia in the Ewok village.

Sitting on your hand prior to masturbation

The classic schoolyard ‘sex’ advice. The fatal drawback is that it’s impossible to avoid the fact that there’s no one else there, however numb your hand is. And if there had been a real woman present there’s zero chance it would have been Kim Wilde.

Tame erotic thrillers

Various ‘erotic thrillers’ like 9½ Weeks got a reputation they didn’t deserve for being vaguely erotic rather than particularly explicit. Maybe it’s because everything on TV in the 1980s was relentlessly child-friendly to ensure massive audiences, such as The A-Team, Manimal, Knight Rider, Street Hawk and Buck Rogers in the 25th Century. Admittedly that featured a robot shaped like a glans, but no one wanted to have sex with him. Poor Twiki.

Much-hyped porn films

Caligula, Debbie Does Dallas, Emmanuelle, Deep Throat – people could not wait to get their hairy palms on a fuzzy VHS copy. They’re all bad in their own way – it’s frankly unnecessary to smoke a cigarette with your vagina as foreplay – and basically a pain to watch compared to short, sex-filled modern pornos. Imagine if every Pornhub video required you to watch an hour of the female star working in a shop. Quite.

Naked Yoga and similar on Channel 4

Early in its life, Channel 4 started putting on controversial sexy stuff, such as Naked Yoga, My Beautiful Launderette and the ‘Red Triangle’ films in case you wanted to see an obscure French art film about an incestuous urban caveman (Themroc if you’re curious). Very little of it was that shocking, but it hasn’t stopped C4 continuing to court controversy with juvenile drivel like Naked Attraction, hosted by Anna Richardson, who we refuse to believe is nearly as interested in sex as she makes out.

Animal Farm

Ew. The pathetic aspect of this horrible, misogynistic bestiality flick for sickos is non-perverts like you wanting to see it out of morbid curiosity. Rest assured you will get your comeuppance by actually watching it. Definitely not one of George Orwell’s best.

Water: How hard can it f**king be?

19th December 2024

WATER: it falls from the skies. Collect it, treat it, send it out through the taps, sieve out the turds, treat it, job f**king done. Is that so hard, water companies?

The UK is not a desert. It is an island, surrounded by sea, threaded with rivers, which enjoys high rainfall throughout the year. You could not have been handed an easier assignment.

And yet this job seems, once again, to have proven beyond you. Digging big holes to collect the water in is not complicated. The technology was developed approximately 2,600 years ago. Yet for the last 35 years, you have neglected to do so.

Likewise, a network of pipes can be inherited but must be maintained. Thinking ‘we’ve got the pipes already? Job done, who fancies a pint?’ is not a long-term strategy.

And yes, sewage is an issue. That’s why we pay you to take it away. But that was on the proviso that you did something with it in those sewage treatment plants you have so many of. Certainly that was our understanding.

To find that, instead, you have been saying ‘What should I do with this bucket of shit?’ ‘I dunno, dump it in Lake Windermere?’ is deeply disappointing and represents very poor value for money. If we wanted crap in rivers, we could do it ourselves.

Yes, we turn taps on and water comes out. You’ve grasped the absolute basics. It’s just every other part of your job you’ve failed at, apart from maintaining a strong flow of our money to your shareholders. That bit’s been done most assiduously.

In conclusion, big thanks for the bill rises over the next five years. We look forward to you wasting the lot before we take over and do the job ourselves.