subscribe
/ Sign Out

Lawrence of Arabia inevitably getting heap of shit remake

CINEMA classic Lawrence of Arabia will inevitably get remade with Tom Cruise, Matt Damon or someone like that.

Hollywood insiders admitted that Peter O’Toole’s death had drawn their attention to an exceptionally brilliant ‘property’ ripe for ruining.

A spokesman said: “Lawrence of Arabia may be one of the greatest films in cinema history but it lacked product placement and characters designed to appeal across the marketing quadrants.

“For example Peter O’Toole was great but he acted kind of gay in places and lacked the muscle bulk required for an imposing screen presence.

“Also we’ll have Jack Black in Omar Sharif’s role, repeatedly falling off a camel called ‘Fartbreath’. And it’ll be in 3D. With ‘sand hobbits’.”

West Brom pretty sure new manager will solve all their problems

WEST Bromwich Albion are confident that changing manager will transform them into a top four worldwide football club.

Former manager Steve Clarke, sacked this weekend, is thought to be the only obstacle stopping a small club on the outskirts of Birmingham dominating European football.

Chairman Norman Steele said: “Our replica shirt sales in China are just 0.023 per cent of Manchester United’s, and that’s just one of the many problems that can be laid directly at Steve Clarke’s door.

“Our stadium holds fewer than 30,000 fans, we’re not based in a desirable London location, and our club badge looks like clip art for a bootleg Christmas card.

“When I asked Steve Clarke how he planned to rectify all that, he had no convincing answers.”

The club’s targets for this season are to qualify for the Champion’s League, to ditch shirt sponsors Zoopla for a multi-million deal with Goldman Sachs, and to sign Lionel Messi.

The executive board also hope to swap their longstanding rivalry with Wolves for a upscale rivalry with Paris St Germain, and to change their thrush mascot for something that isn’t also a genital yeast infection.

The shortlist of cremé de la cremé managerial candidates includes Johan Cruyff, Sir Alex Ferguson, Pep Guardiola and, of course, Sam Allardyce.

Steele said: “We want the very best. Though if they’re not available, I’m sure we can turn our fortunes around by hiring a manager previously fired by another struggling club. That always works.”

Next story ›