How to be a twat taking a photo in public

WANT to inflict maximum inconvenience on anyone nearby when you’re taking a photo? Here’s how:

Location, location, location

Find a busy pedestrian bottleneck near a feature of interest and stand right in the middle of it. Announce loudly that you’re taking a photo and leave no space for anyone to get past. The general public are courteous up to a point, so they will wait ten seconds for you to take the picture and then push past, muttering ‘Prick’ under their breath.

Never rush composing

Composition is the key to a good picture, so take as long as you need telling people where to stand and loudly tutting at any random member of the public getting in the way of your masterpiece. As if them getting to work on time is as important as you taking an arty long exposure shot of your family right outside the entrance to King’s Cross station.

Be a technical f**kwit

Cameras are no longer point-and-click boxes, especially on phones with numerous settings. Spend ages fannying about with zoom, flash and filters, before realising you need to delete 300 pictures to make room in the memory. When you’re finally happy with the settings you’ll end up accidentally doing a video and having to start again, by which time the beautiful sunset other people were also hoping to photograph from this vantage point will have gone.

Hog the best spots

You want to take a photo of your kids standing in front of a tiger at the zoo, but it only paces by once every ten minutes. Rather than taking one picture, hoping it’s good and moving out of the way for the next family, hog the space and don’t let your cold, bored children go anywhere, while the other parents grow increasingly pissed off and start murmuring about decking you.

Dick about taking selfies

If you aren’t making enough of a nuisance of yourself taking pictures of other people, try taking some of yourself. As you stumble around attempting to get both your face and the Angel of the North in shot you’ll walk into several people, stand on someone else’s feet, elbow an old lady in the back and finally trip over a baby in a buggy. And your photo will still be shit.

A £3,000 handbag, and other things Sunday supplements think are perfectly normal

WHAT do you mean, £3,000 for a handbag seems a bit steep? It’s perfectly normal in the world of a Sunday supplement, as are these other items:

A £3,000 bag

This season’s ‘must have’ item and incredibly ugly, as many high fashion things seem to be. Luckily the f**king ridiculous price makes it clear that the people who own one are much better that the average povvo pleb, which won’t happen if you’re clutching a £9.99 Primark rucksack.

A horribly decorated house

There’s a five-page feature on an Edwardian house in Hove that’s covered in green paint, aggressively loud leaf-patterned wallpaper and vermilion velvet upholstery, and has a wall dedicated to vintage curios including a genuine Victorian speculum. You think it looks hideous but it belongs to an incredibly wealthy couple who describe themselves as ‘lifestyle consultants’ so you must be wrong.

A UK mini-break for £595 a night

This gorgeous low-ceilinged Michelin-starred gastropub near Tavistock offers bijou little rooms and a private hot tub with plunge pool, and the travel editor got their stay for free in exchange for writing about it. The low wooden beams will give you concussion, which will at least help you forget that it is costing £595 a night to sleep in a creepy old building on a rain-lashed moor.

Posh people with small businesses

Lady Chloe De Fleuthoffen relaxes in her exquisite Cotswolds farmhouse full of quirky erotic art and flowers in jam jars, while constantly referencing her range of new printed tableware starting from £75 a napkin. On the next page is Bronson Fetherstone-Hault, who keeps a herd of bison on his family estate in Norfolk and makes award-winning artisanal mozzarella that’s only available from Fortnum & Mason.

Ugly rattan chairs

Are rattan chairs in again, or was the features editor getting a bit desperate and decided to do a splash featuring a selection of models reclining in them, including a token old person because they’re painfully aware of their readership? It doesn’t matter, they’re just grateful to have filled a few more pages with this nonsense.