subscribe
/ Sign Out

Funniest joke from Edinburgh Fringe building site not fit for print

THE funniest one-liner from a building site overlooking the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is not suitable for publication. 

The witty observation about foreigners, recent riots, the LGBTQ+ community and your mum told by a bricklayer on scaffolding near the Gilded Balloon cannot be repeated because it threatens public decency and risks libel.

28-year-old Wayne Hayes, who was fortunate enough to see the joke live, said: “I dropped my trowel, I was laughing so uncontrollably. The satirical reference to what’s going on in the Middle East killed me.

“Similar to ancient myths, this multi-layered joke can only be passed on transmitted orally. Nailing it down on the page wouldn’t do the accent justice.

“You don’t see comedy like this on TV anymore. There were no clever callbacks to previous jokes or high-brow references, just lowest common denominator stuff laced with bad language and outdated stereotypes. We were all in tears.

“This sort of dynamite material could work as an opener for Jim Davidson or Roy Chubby Brown. Joe who told it’s wasted here. Also because he’s a shit bricklayer.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

1980s named best decade for doing coke

A NATIONWIDE survey has confirmed that the 1980s were easily the greatest decade for the snorting of cocaine. 

The survey, commissioned by Channel 4 for the upcoming Drugs of the Decades Saturday night countdown show criticised as ‘comfort viewing’, found that cocaine was never better than when snorted under the influence of synthpop and Thatcherism.

Presenter Michael Gove said: “Cocaine began in the 1970s, of course, but only achieved greatness when it broke out of the claustrophobic New York scene and went global.

“It hit Britain like a tidal wave. Classy, consumerist and oh-so-moreish, coke fitted perfectly with the red braces of the yuppies and the big chords of yacht rock. Every broad chalk stripe on a baggy Italian suit looked like an invitation to do blow – and was.

“To be on the City floor, buzzing on beak, when the 1986 Big Bang hit with the Communards riding high in the charts, was very heaven itself. I tell you, it didn’t get better. I’m still coming down.”

The 70s were named the best decade for marijuana, the 90s the best decade for ecstasy, and the 2010s the best for nitrous oxide, with shows presented by Peter Gabriel, Shaun Ryder and Spurs midfielder Yves Bissouma respectively.

Nathan Muir, aged 62, said: “Yeah, yeah, in London they were all coked up. Up here in Bolton we were still making do with wizz and squidgy black right into 1991.”

Next story ›