Five recap sentences that make you thank God you don't follow the soaps

6th February 2025

SOMETIMES you read ‘Sonia is pregnant with Jamie’s baby unaware that he killed his ex-wife though her sister confessed’ and thank God you were spared this soap plot. These are actual storylines:

Coronation Street arson attack fratricide exposé

A fire at the Platts’ house has multiple suspects, from blackout drunk Leanne to indebted-to-gangsters David, but when David confronts Logan he denies it but admits to the murder of his brother Mason. Imagine having to clear the necessary space in your cerebellum to know all that. Imagine what you’d lose.

Emmerdale homeless stillbirth hospital tragedy

April, whose stepmother Rhona once ran off with a newborn created from embryos stolen by her estranged first husband, suffered a stillbirth in a toilet and is now in hospital and might die. The father, of course, is unknown. Really puts that time Jade kidnapped her into perspective, all this latest completely unbelievable shit. So relatable.

EastEnders garage suicide ‘leaving the Square’ breakdown

Phil Mitchell, former loan enforcer, alcoholic, crackhead, murder suspect, philanderer, murder victim, river car crash arsonist Queen Vic landlord death faker gun struggle police informant, attempts suicide. He will never be allowed to die. His torment must continue for your entertainment eternally, for is Albert Square not hell and its denizens the damned?

Hollyoaks poisoned porridge blackmail strangulation love rival murder framing

By this point in its history Hollyoaks is trying to break its viewers. Bombarding them with dissonant, clashing images, nonsensical motivations and leaps in time; the movies of David Lynch are downright comprehensible in comparison. Anyway, Joel kidnapped Abe but Cleo had him nicked, Jez strangled him, Grace shot the body, Mercedes was arrested for it.

Casualty gross negligence manslaughter abortion shock

Dylan gets arrested, Sophia’s having an abortion, Stevie’s trying to hide that she’s growing two extra completely functional arms, Rash discovers he’s the true heir to the Jordanian throne, Indie takes up a side-hustle as a contract killer and Jodie wakes up in the Holby City of 4025AD. You would have to watch it to discover if these claims are true. You won’t.

Black Sabbath, and other artists who aren't as good once you're past puberty

6th February 2025

OZZY Osbourne and Black Sabbath have announced their final tour. But some artists are best enjoyed when you have yet to reach sexual, and definitely mental, maturity. Like these.

Boyzone

These tedious, tedious bastards with their bland cover versions of unlikely artists like The Osmonds had one massive selling point: they were harmless. An 11-year-old girl could pick one to have a massive crush on and no harm would ever result. Even Stephen Gately being gay wasn’t a problem; it’s not like he was out shagging blokes in gay clubs while you were at home looking after the kids. Although at 11 that would be quite a worrying domestic situation.

Black Sabbath

The band always vehemently denied being into Satanism, but there’s the band name, an inverted cross on an album and Ozzy’s refusal to bloody shut up about the Devil and Hell. Pardon us for jumping to conclusions, Sabbath. Not that it really matters, because you only believe in Satanism when you’re 12 and credulously accept your mate Dave’s bullshit tales of Satanists sacrificing people in local woods, none of whom apparently had concerned families, spouses or friends, in a massive stroke of luck for Satan.

The Bay City Rollers

The music was bland takes on glam rock and cloying tunes like Bye Bye Baby, but it was irrelevant because the Rollers were another testing ground for adolescent females to try out feelings of attraction. It’s lucky they were unattainable fantasy figures, because taking home a real boyfriend dressed like one of these half-mast tartan wankers would have caused your parents to literally piss and shit themselves with laughter.

50 Cent

Fiddy has obviously fuelled the tiresome gangsta fantasies of billions of teenage twats, but let’s not forget his contribution to stunted views of sex. Thanks to videos like Candy Shop, boys can learn that women like to hang around aimlessly in groups wearing provocative outfits, patiently waiting for their male master to arrive. When the man does show up, him being weirdly offhand with them only increases their enthusiasm, and they are happy to be one of several partners who can be chosen for sex at any time. Yes, that sounds exactly like your girlfriends.

Rage Against the Machine

Killing in the Name is an incredibly powerful and insightful political statement if you’re 12. However as you mature you realise it rocks but it’s a bit thin on actual political content, and some might argue, simplistic. You certainly agree the police shouldn’t be racist, but it’s not as if you were in favour of burning crosses and viciously racist law enforcement officers before Rage Against the Machine enlightened you.

Bon Jovi

Bon Jovi are far from the worst offenders when it comes to dreadful heavy metal adolescent fantasies, but they famously did a photoshoot with models in wet t-shirts washing cars for the original cover of Slippery When Wet. It’s a classic immature depiction of women as frolicking sex objects, and frankly extremely disappointing when you realise real women don’t invite their most attractive friends round for giggly car-washing parties in bikinis.

Whitesnake

The likes of Mötley Crüe could never have cleaned up with adolescent sexual fantasies were it not for trailblazers like David Coverdale and Whitesnake. The 1979 album Lovehunter features a naked woman straddling a giant Conan the Barbarian-style fantasy snake, an image so pathetically juvenile it’s actually funnier than the spoof Spinal Tap sexist album cover Sniff the Glove.