ICONIC bands could make millions by reforming for one night only. Yet these five refuse to, just to piss you off.
ABBA
The Swedish pop gods haven’t gigged for 40 years. Not that they need to because their back catalogue must still be supplying them with a steady fortune. Yes, they recently released some new music, but watching it performed by lame excuses for holograms isn’t the same. The closest most people will get is seeing Pierce Brosnan butcher SOS in Mamma Mia.
The Jam
Paul Weller and the other two split in 1982. This means a triumphant reunion gig at Wembley Stadium is long overdue. They’d need to keep the roof well open throughout though. The crowd of middle-aged men wearing Fred Perry shirts chanting along to Going Underground would produce so many farts that an indoor gig would be uninhabitable for human life.
The Spice Girls
The full line-up hasn’t performed together since the London Olympics, not that anyone remembers because the Queen upstaged them by jumping out of a plane. Blame Victoria Beckham for letting down fans, she’s apparently too busy teaching her son to make moronic career moves. Admittedly her vocals were usually buried in the mix, but it’s the principle that counts.
The Smiths
A Smiths reunion would go against the spirit of the band. They never wanted you to be happy, which is why they released so many mournful dirges. Disappointing you by failing to perform again is their crowning achievement, the very essence of what they were trying to achieve musically, plus no amount of money could force Morrissey and Johnny Marr to step on stage together again.
Oasis
It’s never going to happen. As much as the Gallagher brothers hate each other – which they do, very much – they hate their adoring public more. The return of Blur this summer only makes their absence more conspicuous and infuriating, much to their delight. At this rate people will have to feign excitement about The Verve reuniting instead.
