PARENTS love to curate their children’s viewing, perhaps in recognition they have little else to offer. Within 20 minutes of each of these beginning, the kids will be done:
The Wizard of Oz (1939)
A thrilling tale of courage, heart and brains which you forgot starts out in black and white. The moaning from the sofa begins instantly and builds to a crescendo. The arrival of the Munchkins sees mass desertions. Though they will allow you to pay £40 to take them to Wicked.
Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)
A pivotal movie in your own upbringing because the rest of the 70s were grey and dull. ‘Is this a film about two misters who farm sand?’ your six-year-old innocently asks. Their fight for the remote is as dramatic as any lightsaber battle. The models of spaceships look small and stupid.
The Goonies (1987)
A rip-roaring tale of kids going in search of One-Eyed Willy’s treasure. From the first minute your kids are rapt. They love it right until Sloth arrives, or ‘Daddy, what’s that? I don’t like it Daddy. Make it go away,’ as they call him, during subsequent nightmares. Too high a price to pay for Chunk’s Truffle Shuffle.
Up (2009)
They like Monsters Inc, which they’ve watched upward of 80 times, so you push it with a bank holiday screening of this classic. The opening montage always brings tears to your eyes. That scares your children and they cease watching immediately. No balloons for anyone.
Home Alone (1990)
Every Christmas now comes with a new tradition: the failed attempt to sit and watch Home Alone together. Last year you got all the way to Kevin actually being left home alone before they sloped off. ‘Honestly you’ll love it, it’s really violent,’ you say fruitlessly.
Jurassic Park (1993)
Kids love two things: chasing pigeons and dinosaurs. Every child knows the difference between a brachiosaurus and an apatosaurus, so they’ll love this. Except you forgot how expensive CGI was then and therefore how long you wait for a dinosaur, how few there are in it and that a man is bitten in two while on the shitter.
Dirty Dancing (1987)
They’re teenagers now, so a family screening of this classic is overdue. Great soundtrack, incredible dancing, carrying watermelons, a major plotline about backstreet abortions you’d forgotten, conversations about abortion you don’t want to have, evasive answers, you know what let’s just turn it off.
Goodfellas (1990)
A man is stabbed to death in a car boot within the first five minutes. What were you thinking? Your kid may be almost 15, but he was in no way ready. This one is on you.
