SHITFACED way after midnight? Illogically hungry? These are the foods you will stumblingly prepare yourself, ranked from worst to best:
Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle
Minimum effort for minimum satisfaction, but pissed you considers this the perfect compromise between curry and a Chinese given than both takeaways are shut. Boil the kettle, boil it again when you realise you’ve fallen asleep at the kitchen table, prepare by adding boiling water, leave to mature while you get more wine, discover the next morning. Your intestinal tract will thank you.
Cereal
It is, in fact, morning, so what could possibly go wrong with a bowl of Frosties? Apart from you keep missing your mouth with the spoon, they’re horribly soggy, the milk is curdling in your alcohol-acidic mouth and, it turns out, this is the perfect meal to induce vomiting in the kitchen sink. Still, better out than in.
Pizza
Sensibly, like the responsible drunk the adverts tell you to be, you know you’re too leathered to cook. But in need of an extra pepperoni Meat Feast you negotiate your rebelliously uncoordinated fingers through the Dominos app and sink into the sofa in relief. The next morning you find a pizza box abandoned on your doorstep in the rain. Then eat the pizza.
An unwise amount of crisps
Even struggling to focus you can open crisps. Stuffing fistfuls into your mouth, picking the remainder from the sofa and the floor, creating flavour combinations like roast chicken followed by pickled onion Monster Munch, you feast like a motherf**king king. Feign innocence the following day, when your children have nothing for their lunches.
Kebab
Kebab shops stay open late because they know their product is only palatable when it is too late, and their customers too drunk. Delighted by their easy convenience you join the queue, narrowly avoid a fight, order one with ‘all the shit and extra chilli sauce’, narrowly avoid a second fight and let your arsehole regret it in the morning.
Chip butty, white bread, red sauce
Once the idea enters your smashed mind nothing else will do. There are oven chips in the freezer which you’re too impatient to cook properly, bread, ketchup. It tastes like heaven. Your bowels will be clogged solid for a week, but who cares? This is living.
