OZZY Osbourne and Black Sabbath have announced their final tour. But some artists are best enjoyed when you have yet to reach sexual, and definitely mental, maturity. Like these.
Boyzone
These tedious, tedious bastards with their bland cover versions of unlikely artists like The Osmonds had one massive selling point: they were harmless. An 11-year-old girl could pick one to have a massive crush on and no harm would ever result. Even Stephen Gately being gay wasn’t a problem; it’s not like he was out shagging blokes in gay clubs while you were at home looking after the kids. Although at 11 that would be quite a worrying domestic situation.
Black Sabbath
The band always vehemently denied being into Satanism, but there’s the band name, an inverted cross on an album and Ozzy’s refusal to bloody shut up about the Devil and Hell. Pardon us for jumping to conclusions, Sabbath. Not that it really matters, because you only believe in Satanism when you’re 12 and credulously accept your mate Dave’s bullshit tales of Satanists sacrificing people in local woods, none of whom apparently had concerned families, spouses or friends, in a massive stroke of luck for Satan.
The Bay City Rollers
The music was bland takes on glam rock and cloying tunes like Bye Bye Baby, but it was irrelevant because the Rollers were another testing ground for adolescent females to try out feelings of attraction. It’s lucky they were unattainable fantasy figures, because taking home a real boyfriend dressed like one of these half-mast tartan wankers would have caused your parents to literally piss and shit themselves with laughter.
50 Cent
Fiddy has obviously fuelled the tiresome gangsta fantasies of billions of teenage twats, but let’s not forget his contribution to stunted views of sex. Thanks to videos like Candy Shop, boys can learn that women like to hang around aimlessly in groups wearing provocative outfits, patiently waiting for their male master to arrive. When the man does show up, him being weirdly offhand with them only increases their enthusiasm, and they are happy to be one of several partners who can be chosen for sex at any time. Yes, that sounds exactly like your girlfriends.
Rage Against the Machine
Killing in the Name is an incredibly powerful and insightful political statement if you’re 12. However as you mature you realise it rocks but it’s a bit thin on actual political content, and some might argue, simplistic. You certainly agree the police shouldn’t be racist, but it’s not as if you were in favour of burning crosses and viciously racist law enforcement officers before Rage Against the Machine enlightened you.
Bon Jovi
Bon Jovi are far from the worst offenders when it comes to dreadful heavy metal adolescent fantasies, but they famously did a photoshoot with models in wet t-shirts washing cars for the original cover of Slippery When Wet. It’s a classic immature depiction of women as frolicking sex objects, and frankly extremely disappointing when you realise real women don’t invite their most attractive friends round for giggly car-washing parties in bikinis.
Whitesnake
The likes of Mötley Crüe could never have cleaned up with adolescent sexual fantasies were it not for trailblazers like David Coverdale and Whitesnake. The 1979 album Lovehunter features a naked woman straddling a giant Conan the Barbarian-style fantasy snake, an image so pathetically juvenile it’s actually funnier than the spoof Spinal Tap sexist album cover Sniff the Glove.
