subscribe
/ Sign Out

Beyonce fans accidentally buy Black Sabbath tickets and vice versa

THOUSANDS of Beyoncé fans have mistakenly been sold tickets for Black Sabbath’s final gig, and vice versa. 

Women aged 14 to 50 hoping to see the US icon perform on her Chitlins Circuit tour will instead see the final gig by the Birmingham heavy metal pioneers, while long-haired men aged 18 to 70 will be forced to watch an R&B star play country music.

A spokesman for Ticketmaster said: “Well, this is quite the mix-up.

“However it’s all covered in the terms and conditions you clicked past in a desperate race to get the £680 tickets we’d allotted you 45 seconds to buy, so sorry no refunds, resale or indeed remorse. Enjoy your cross-cultural education, everyone!”

Beyoncé fan Sophie Rodriguez said: “Pantera, Mastodon, Alice In Chains? Are these new, underground artists yet to blow up on TikTok?

“Metallica I know is a fashion label because I’ve seen the T-shirts – kind of a Jenna Ortega emo thing – and Slayer could refer to Bey because she does indeed slay, though she’s never called herself that previously.

“Ozzy Osbourne I do know, he’s Sharon from The X-Factor’s husband. Apparently he used to present a popular show in the 00s. I think possibly Blue Peter.”

Metal fan Wayne Hayes said: “Ah well. I should still be able to enjoy myself by getting blackout pissed and burning the stadium down.”

Vaguely in shape dad sets unrealistic beauty standard for men

A FATHER with only a slight paunch and moderately receding grey hair is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men, it has emerged.

49-year-old dad of two Martin Bishop has set the bar for male beauty ridiculously high, making it impossible to reach for normal middle-aged men, thanks to his small love handles and the faint hint of definition in his calf muscles.

Bishop’s neighbour Tom Booker said: “Just look at him. Mowing the lawn in his cargo shorts. Flaunting his poorly manscaped legs for everyone to see. How am I supposed to compare to that?

“Doesn’t he know dad bods are supposed to include a prominent beer belly and heaving man boobs? I keep reminding myself he’s a freakish outlier and that normal blokes aren’t blessed with his genetics, but I’m still upset whenever I see him.

“My wife’s not being supportive either. When I tried to explain male beauty standards to her she just laughed and laughed for hours on end. I don’t think she understands how being bombarded with these images can affect your mental health.”

Bishop said: “It’s only natural to be jealous. But I put minimum effort into drinking slightly less and half-heartedly using the running machine once every two months to achieve my physique, so I deserve to flaunt it.”

Next story ›