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All the references to other stuff in Deadpool & Wolverine because films now come with f**king homework

BEEN to see Deadpool & Wolverine? Failed to see the multiple films or read the comics necessary to get the jokes? Read our guide, you ignorant shit: 

That Wolverine who killed Deadpool in an alleyway? No, of course he wasn’t from Days of Future Past. He was Age of Apocalypse Wolverine, which you’d know if you’d read that seminal 1995 42-comic storyline.

You didn’t get that Van Wilder joke? Okay, so you’ve walked in here without even the most basic knowledge of the corpus of Ryan Reynolds. You couldn’t even go on IMDB?

That you’ve watched and remember movies from the pre-Marvel Cinematic Universe is assumed. Wilfully choosing the path of idiocy means you missed the significance of that cameo. Nobody cares that you were ‘revising for medical exams in the 00s’.

Seriously? You haven’t even bothered watching both series of Loki? Entirely your fault you don’t know what the Void is then. Nobody’s going to explain it to you.

Surely you got the joke of the name of the shoe shop in the background during that one scene. Everyone knows the shortcomings of that particular 90s comic artist, right? What do you mean you were watching what was happening in the foreground?

Okay, not knowing the significance of that bit where Wolverine’s in the brown John Byrne costume – not even knowing what that means – disqualifies you from watching this film. You fraudulently obtained a ticket and the police will be informed.

Look, if you’re not prepared to put in the effort and watch at least 15 other movies, be up to speed on corporate entertainment takeovers, be passingly familiar with the comics, the animated series and the Disney Plus shows, don’t bother going to the cinema.

Perverted owners give dog human name

A COUPLE have outraged public decency by abusing their new puppy by calling him ‘Simon’. 

Joe Turner and partner Nicky bought their Labrador pup from a licensed breeder but, ignoring appropriate names like Buster, Patch and Lucky, they instead chose the name of a middle-aged data collections manager.

Friend Joanna Kramer said: “Simon? What are they thinking? A properly cute puppy with the name of a man who drinks craft ales and likes to do nine holes on a Sunday?

“They’ll be out in the park shouting ‘Simon! Simon!’ causing mature men to look round and crick their necks. They even claim he’s called Simon Turner, which makes him sound like a nondescript serial killer who goes under the police’s radar until exposed by a true crime podcast.”

The couple have defended their decision, claiming that ‘Simon’ is a member of the family and giving him a ‘glib and tawdry’ name would undermine his dignity and imply he was less than equal. Joe added: “He is a friend first and a pet second.”

But Kramer replied: “He’s not their equal though, is he? Simon shits in the park and they pick up Simon’s shit in a plastic bag. Tell me that doesn’t sound wrong.

“It feels like a kink thing. Like a reverse furry situation where instead of pretending to be a dog, they’re pretending their dog’s human. The only time someone called Simon should be on a leash is if it’s a BDSM scenario.”

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