THE Tsar? Russian fellow, misunderstood. A ‘drugs tsar’? Appointed by government, given a catchy title and I don’t doubt necessary. But what on earth is a ‘Covid corruption tsar’?
When Covid struck we all did our bit. Some treated the sick, others clapped the NHS, and those of us in a position brokered PPE for £203 million in contracts. Rich or poor, the pandemic affected us all in exactly the same way. Oh gosh, I just saw a porpoise!
Why Rachel Reeves – so misguided – would appoint a tsar to oversee that is a mystery, apart from to waste money. Typical socialist non-job paid for by handouts from taxpayers. I could never do anything so parasitic.
Corruption is such an ugly word. To me, it’s more bribing a judge to let you off a murder, not supplying gowns and masks that don’t meet an absurdly strict medical brief. That’s just human error.
And what price keeping up national morale during a crisis? It’s been impossible to avoid pictures of me in a swimsuit or an Ultimo bra, which must have really cheered up bereaved chaps. I’m very much a Vera Lynn figure if Vera had refused to put her tits away.
If this tsar asks to question me? I’ll go to whatever inquiry they set up, fail to remember extremely memorable events, and explain I’ve deleted all my old messages in the organised way that no-one ordinary ever does. My innocence will shine through.
Anyway, remember the the ‘social mobility tsar’? The ‘common sense tsar’? Rishi Sunak’s ‘towns tsar’? The annals of history aren’t exactly overflowing with their achievements, so I won’t be having any sleepless nights.
My actions during lockdown were as pure and blameless as the sun which beams down here on deck in Monaco, or the family of Captain Tom. And I know that’s what the people of Britain believe. Ooh, that was a leatherback turtle!
