ENGLAND has the highest rate of child alcohol consumption of all countries surveyed by the World Health Organisation, but are your children doing their part?
Steve Malley, golf tutor: “I bought my 13-year-old a pint and never got one back, so he’s banned. I can’t be doing with bastards not getting their round in.”
Eleanor Shaw, counsellor: “Sadly my daughters have fallen to creeping Americanisation and only vape strong weed. Our national identity is being taken away from us.”
Joanna Kramer, employment lawyer: “They’ll match me drink for drink for the first two Riojas, but crack the third and suddenly they ‘feel sick’. Lightweights.”
Jim Bates, croupier: “They said kids these days were too busy on Netflix and Xbox to drink two litres of white cider in a bus shelter. This makes me feel like there’s hope again.”
Helen Archer, chiropractor: “This is why we win f**k all at the Olympics. Because they won’t hold events in areas where Britain truly excels.”
