PUB profits are falling and pubs may close, so attendance at your local hostelry five nights a week is now mandatory. Here’s how to get through it:
Lower your expectations
The pub is a great British tradition, which is why you have a duty to go there on a Monday evening. But do not expect entertainment, especially if Doncaster Rovers vs Crystal Palace is on. Instead join tables of morose, unspeaking men drinking beer as if it is an activity which needs to be focused on. Bringing a book will see you barred.
Accept any companionship
As a lone drinker, you are not in any position to be choosy. So whoever begins speaking to you, whether an amateur military historian, a self-appointed real ale expert, a woman speeding off her tits keen to anatomise her failed marriage, or a man with political views more suited to the 1500s, you will converse for it is the pub’s lifeblood.
Drink heavily
As the landlord will conscientiously remind you, he is not there for the good of his f**king health. The pub cannot be saved by those who place their livers about our country’s heritage – take a look around at the regulars if you have doubts. Drinking at least six pints five times a week is your way of giving back to Britain.
Eat there
Regrettably, beer cannot be your only sustenance. Food is needed to stop you becoming so inebriated the landlord has no choice but to bar you, hurting his pockets. Therefore you must consume whatever food the pub offers, whether a good honest roast, a ham-and-cheese toastie or Golden Wonder Ready Salted crisps, and visibly enjoy it.
Return the following night
After three hours drinking, return home, turn on the television, slump in an armchair and fall asleep. For those in marriages or relationships this will spark accusations of being a drunken, uncaring lump who never does any housework in a retro reprimand straight from the 1970s. This in turn will drive you back to the pub, and the whole wonderful cycle begins again.
