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Alcohol the load-bearing element of friendship, man discovers

A MAN cutting out alcohol has realised that without it, his friendships are an awful lot of work. 

Nathan Muir met old pal Tom Booker for an evening and discovered that without a reassuring pint in hand, their hang had all the structural stability of a 19th-century hovel hit by a 21st-century missile.

Muir said: “Who knew three hours was such a long time? Such a chasm of time.

“Without the social lubricant of Kronenbourg there’s no conversation, there’s no laughter, there’s no bond. It’s like waiting for a bus that never comes with an awkward, shifty stranger.

“It’s not as if we were always previously on the lash. But even for afternoon beers we’d discuss the price of a pint, the merits of IPAs over lagers, how shit the barman had poured the head. I tried to comment on the chips, but it wasn’t the same.

“The thunk on dart on dartboard, in what would have been a companionable silence if only I’d been pissed, sounded like my life ticking heavily away. It’s true what they say: man’s only friend is the bottle.”

He added: “But I need to lose a stone to get down to a weight that makes me competitive on Tinder so I’m sticking with it.”

Don't just do oral, and other conception tips for morons

ARE you an idiot trying to breed in the mistaken belief the world needs more like you? Struggling with what goes where? These pointers may bring you success: 

Avoid using condoms

Condoms, despite their long association with preventing STDs, also act as an inadvertent form of contraception. So it follows that if you actually want to have a child you should forgo them. If you miss them, you can still wear them for everyday activities like loading the washing machine or shopping.

Don’t just do oral

But surely, if the ejaculate is still taken within the body, it can get to the right bit? ‘Life finds a way,’ as Jurassic Park stated? Sadly, sperm needs to be pointed directly at the egg because it is male and refuses to ask for directions. Oral is a waste of time and, once a child is born, you’ll realise that and never do it again.

Between you, have a penis and a vagina

Doesn’t matter who has which, as long as the former goes in the latter. Though gay and lesbian couples enjoy rightful equality in law, they don’t enjoy the same parity on the procreation front. Apologies.

Don’t use the pull-out method

Pulling out, as seen in 90 per cent of the useful online instructional videos collectively known as ‘pornography’, has a 100 per cent failure rate when it comes to conception. If the man finds this habit a hard one to break, his partner should wrap her legs around him so he cannot escape. This is how spiders mate and there are many of them.

Continue all the way to completion

Today’s short attention spans, the unparalleled quality of streaming content and phones kept next to the bed mean it’s easy to drift off 90 seconds into sex, forget you were doing it and scroll instead. Resist this and carry on all the way until the male finishes, however half-heartedly. It still counts!

Don’t have sex with someone else

If you’re trying to get your girlfriend pregnant, having sex with a third party instead simply won’t work. Yes, even if you say your girlfriend’s name at the crucial point. Instead you may get that person pregnant, which could have difficult ramifications of the type currently being suffered by Dave Grohl.

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