Features

I AM mainly remembered for throwing cats from top window of Kremlin for fun.

WHENEVER any object enters my field of vision my first thought is, can I have sex with it?

THE password to all your money is probably your surname or dog's name with '01' after it.

JANUARY sales shopping is a tale as old as time, but there is still scope for it to get massively complicated and perilous.

DELIVERING a speech or presentation is many humans' greatest fear.

I ONCE had a Christmas when my scrotum dropped off.

THIS Winter Wonderland theme park has been blatantly mis-sold to me by the Chinese lunar program.

IT'S been a long road for me, from the first Take That days through my wilderness years to being back with the boys on top of the world.

SOME of my little monsters have sad faces today because they are execs at Marks and Spencer.

WINTER is coming and, like in Game of Thrones, it will cut a frozen swathe of death through every family in the country.