Features

Holly Willoughby 8/3 Looks like a UKIP voter’s drawing of a fantasy barmaid. Also has surprisingly strong views on the taxation of foreign potatoes.

THE cold vastness of space is a surprisingly good place to pull because female astronauts get very lonely and horny.

TAKE our short test to find out if you are hard.

I WANT to get all the money for sweets and toys, so I will have a train company called Massive Bastard.

JEREMY Corbyn is great but I also think he should be shut away in a steel box and never allowed out.

OVER the past few weeks I have come to realise that although my friends and I are amazing, Britain is not.

IN LESS than two days, the reason I was summoned to your dimension will be gone.

HEADTEACHERS need to stop telling us not to arrive at the school gates wasted on crack, writes busy mum Nikki Hollis.

GIFT suggestions for that hard-to-buy-for person you cannot abide.

IS IT good that everything is becoming more fancy?