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Agony Aunt

I'm astonished that I'm getting called a racist

I'm too old to bother with all this new-fangled PC nonsense you young'uns go in for which involves not being a xenophobic bastard.

Sinitta just can't take a hint

You need to be very careful with this one.

I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing about this bloody baby

I was planning on hiring a plain looking serious business person

The only thing you can do is trust your instinct.

A load of tossers who watch tennis once a year are on my back

Most days I sit around in grubby boxers watching Heir Hunters

You'll spend hours poking it with a stick.

Her entire fruitloop family is on my case

As Dostoevsky wrote, 'don't do the crime if you can't do the time'.

I want to indicate that I will gladly engage in physical intimacy

Wipe a massive bogey on her back.

I recently had a nasty accident where I fell out of my Range Rover

I'll admit I had eaten at least 25 packets of Hall's Soothers.

I cry myself to sleep most nights. How can I be popular again?

Pretend your brother is joining One Direction.