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When I look in the mirror I see my brother Ed

Dear Holly,

I recently bought a lovely antique mirror at a car boot sale from a mysterious young man wearing a cloak and a pointy hat with a strange scar on his forehead. When I look in the mirror I see me as prime minister, smiling and waving, but behind me I see the contorted faces of my parents. They are crying and comforting my brother Ed who is hunched over, sobbing. They are all mouthing the word “why?”. I’m just wondering if I should get the frame re-gilded because it looks rather shabby; should I fork out for it to be done by a specialist?

David Miliband

Westminster

Dear David,

Be careful of spending too much time interacting with yourself, especially if you are practicing kissing and/or chat up lines, and ALWAYS make sure no-one is watching. Aside from being a complete waste of time, the last thing you want is for a secret video of you snogging your own arm to go viral on YouTube.

Hope that helps,

Holly

Comet landing is empirically cool so shut up, say experts

LANDING a robot on a comet is objectively amazing and anyone who disagrees must be shunned, experts have confirmed.

Scientists explained that there are bad things and good things and not all the good things have to be about solving the bad things.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “If someone says we should have cured cancer and ended hunger before landing a robot on a comet you have my official permission to tell them to shut their hole.

“Most of the time humans are a bunch of dicks, so when we put some of them on the moon, or land robots on comets, it reminds us that we might actually be worth saving.

“And so what if all the robot tells us is that the comet is definitely a comet? The components would otherwise have been used to make a satellite to beam yet more television into your gawping face.”

But Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “It’s all about exploiting space minerals and making trillions for huge corporations. Meanwhile, there’s lots of bad things making people sad.”

Professor Brubaker added: “The comet landing is like throwing a rugby ball across your garden while someone tries to drop a parachute-wearing frog onto it from a helicopter.

“There is no version of morality in which that is not utterly fucking brilliant.

“Shut up, you dreary man.”

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