Agony Aunt

"I’ll be extending Freshers Week to a whole month, slashing prices on snakebite in the Students Union and doing everything I can to encourage chlamydia."

This is a big step for me: betrothing myself to a person who, in some lights, resembles a furry baked bean.

I AM going through hell being preggers and puking my guts all day long, while that Kim Kardashian gets to lounge around drinking Cristal.

NOEL Edmonds came to see me backstage after an S-Club gig and told me I could be young forever.

WHEN I grow up I am going to get married to myself.

In the reception class there are several girls called Daenerys, two boys called Eleven and a boy called Soprano.

"When I said 'meep', I meant 'let's formally investigate this issue and use our findings as an evidence base on which the British public can make an informed, reasoned decision.'"

"Donald Jr has a good heart but he is weak, and stupid, and this is life and death."

Dear Holly, I've decided I can't be arsed being royal anymore. I'd much rather live life as a lowly pleb in a tiny house with a rubbish car and a dreadful job. Harry, Windsor

WHEN I grow up I'm going to get some plastic surgery and wear loads of make-up.