Animals Headlines

A MOUSE which survived a terrifying ordeal in a freezing river has thanked all the humans who stood on the bank taking pictures with their mobile phones.

MONKEYS controlled much of eastern Asia last night after launching a series of swift and ruthless coups d'état.

IT is as thick as your arm and smells disgusting - and it has just been caught on camera for what is thought to be the first time.

CATS last night thanked the government for its interest in their welfare but insisted they were fine.

YOU should have totally seen this shrew, it was out of its face, a team of zoologists claimed last night.

BRITAIN'S famous people are to spend much of their time engaged in base sexual practices after being given the go-ahead by a High Court judge.

A MYSTERY insect discovered at the Natural History Museum in London has been deported, the Home Office confirmed last night. 

A MONKEY has failed in its bid to escape from a laboratory using nothing but the power of thought.Ian, a four year-old capuchin, attempted the telekinetic feat after using his thoughts to operate a robotic arm and feed himself a banana.He said: "In case you were wondering - yes, having all those pointy electrodes rammed into your brain does hurt like a bastard."If it didn't, then why the fuck am I the one wearing the electric helmet?"

A PAIR of giant Pandas who arrived in Scotland this week have claimed they were duped after being promised a fortnight in Majorca.

A DAFFODIL who accused a Bumblebee of groping it in a public park was asking for it, the bee claimed last night.