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Famous People To Spend All Day Humping Goats

BRITAIN'S famous people are to spend much of their time engaged in base sexual practices after being given the go-ahead by a High Court judge.

Yesterday's landmark ruling will allow some of the country's richest and most influential people to molest farmyard animals, free from the prying eyes of the media.

One senior governenment minister, who cannot be named for legal reasons, said: "I'm going to have sex with a goat – on a swing.

"I'm then going to marry the goat in the nude and add it to my harem of goat wives.

"Then I'll bend over and get a cow to lick my bum, while I put a finger to my mouth and pretend to look all surprised."

He added: "Does this mean I should not be in charge of a multi-billion pound department or be telling other people how to live their lives?

"Who cares? Not me, that's for sure – I'm the King of Goat Sex!"

The judgement was also welcomed by Britain's most respected celebrity goat humpers, including B** Mc***** and J**** *****-P****.

But Tom Logan, deputy sex editor of the Daily Mail said: "This is a crushing blow for our readership, many of whom are dependent on stories about C-list genitalia.

"But at least I will now be able to have sandpaper dragged across my buttocks by an Alan Hansen look-a-like in the privacy of my own caravan."

Anal warts take poll lead over Sunak

RISHI Sunak is facing a possible challenge to his leadership from a particularly virulent case of anal warts.

The prime minister’s freefalling popularity has convinced Conservative backbenchers the party now stands a better chance at the general election under a painful and embarrassing venereal disease.

With the economy faltering and public services collapsing, dozens of MPs have secretly pledged their support to the common manifestation of the human papilloma virus, with some touting a ‘dream ticket’ of the anal warts and a small plastic tub of cat shit. 

According to a Gallup poll, the anal warts are favoured by 32 per cent of voters, well ahead of a constantly screaming goat locked in your house and electrocution, both on 23 per cent, while Sunak is on -59 per cent.

But Downing Street last night brushed aside talk of a contest, stressing the prime minister was focusing on Britain’s key priority of getting a single migrant on a £58,000 flight to Rwanda and training AI to take your job. 

Downing Street is also finalising a series of headline-grabbing policy initiatives including taking 1p of National Insurance per annum, raising food prices with onerous new import checks and sending every home in Britain a DVD of Highlander II: The Quickening.

Next week, Sunak will launch a campaign to woo back voters by meeting lobbyists demanding even more public money be transferred to private hands and agreeing with everything they say.

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