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World Cup opening ceremony to centre on 380ft replica of Putin’s cock

TODAY’S World Cup opening ceremony will feature a monstrous replica of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s ‘magnificent’ penis.

The cock, which is accurate in every detail, will enter Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium bellend-first in a blizzard of ticker tape with official mascot Zabivaka the cartoon wolf dancing on top.

After several circuits of the stadium allowing spectators and FIFA dignitaries to admire it from every angle, the grossly outsized member will then be hoisted erect to the sound of Placido Domingo belting out some opera.

The Bolshoi Ballet will then perform a piece about how irresistible it is to women and how inspiring for men before the replica begins to fire $40 million-worth of fireworks and large-denomination banknotes from its tip.

The show will finish with Robbie Williams singing Let Me Entertain You, proving that even the biggest dicks of the West are no match for Putin.

President Trump said: “Vlad gave me a sneak preview and I thought it was tasteful. Very tasteful. Beautiful.”

Which toxic body trend are you hoping to achieve this summer?

IT’S summer so it’s time to get obsessed with bullshit body trends like having a ‘Toblerone tunnel’. If you’re unsure what that is, read our helpful guide to unhealthy body shapes.

Thighs

If female, your thighs must have a triangular gap at the top. This is called the ‘thigh gap’ or, more poetically, the ‘Toblerone tunnel’. No one knows why this is important but it is.

If you’ve been on numerous crash diets to achieve this you may already have the much-envied ‘brain gap’, whereby you will do anything mental to impress other morons on Instagram.  

Biceps

If you’re a man your biceps need to be massive, bulging and covered in huge veins that look like snakes trying to escape, possibly from your weird macho narcissism.

You have to look like this because no woman has ever been attracted to a man who does not resemble Arnold Schwarzenegger after a month-long steroid-eating contest.

Arse

Nowadays women’s arses must be massive but accompanied by an unrealistically small waist so you look as if you’re in a fairground hall of mirrors.

Men can have relatively normal arse cheeks, but they should be ‘rock hard’ and always referred to as ‘buns’.

Stomach

Both men and women should have abs that are ripped to the point where you would hardly notice being hit in the stomach by a bus.

We’re sorry, but if you don’t have unnaturally chiselled and symmetrical stomach muscles that make you look like a character in gay fetish art you’re just not attractive.

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