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People who don’t like cricket are wrong, say experts

CRICKET is brilliant and if you disagree you are less than a buffoon, according to experts.

As the World Cup became as exciting as smoking crack in a suit doused in petrol during a high-speed car chase, anyone bemoaning the lack of action in cricket will be forced into a re-education camp.

Cricketologist Wayne Hayes said: “You can get arseholed whilst watching it and it’s officially not allowed to be played when the weather is terrible.

“If that isn’t enough for you then you’re operating on a level of jaded I can’t actually comprehend.”

Anyone continuing to doubt that cricket is the pinnacle of mankind’s achievement will be sent footage of Viv Richards in action and given seven days to suggest anybody with half the amount of suave.

They will then be forced to watch footballers acting the giddy arsehole for eight hours straight, to see how it compares to watching a cricket team actually do a day’s work.

Former football fan Roy Hobbs said: “I used to dismiss cricket as being for old men, but then I realised what I was actually saying was it had a bit of dignity about it and didn’t require the attention span of a mayfly. So from now on other sports can kiss my cork-centred, leather-bound balls.”

“But Geoff Boycott can still sod off, obviously.”

How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends

SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.

Say it’s educational

Tell everyone you’re taking the kids to Kenya to learn about the developing world, when actually you’re on an all-inclusive luxury safari living it up like an 1800s colonial. Get the little ones to do some Third World worksheets on the business-class flight home.

Claim you’ll be doing charity work

Say some platitudes about volunteering and you can jump on your flight to Thailand guilt-free, even if by ‘charity’ you mean you’ll be financially supporting local dealers by purchasing MDMA for a full moon party.

Talk about enlightenment

Any vague bullshit about self-care being a radical political act justifies your astronomically expensive yoga retreat in the Maldives. Your friends will instantly understand this selfish indulgence, because they are tw*ts just like you.

Say it’s for research

Everyone in your social circle is writing a novel, or a travel book, or a soul-searching memoir interrogating white people’s unconscious racism. Pretend you’re doing that and not only is your holiday fine, you can claim it back against tax.

Lie

Can’t be arsed to think up an excuse? Make up a holier-than-thou holiday like two weeks on an organic goat farm in the Orkneys then fuck off to Sicily like you always do. Nobody actually looks at your Instagram anyway, you’re fine.

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