subscribe
/ Sign Out

Nalbandian signs as Rooney's petulance-trainer

WAYNE Rooney has recruited David Nalbandian to give him tips on lashing out ahead of Tuesday’s match against Ukraine.

Argentian tennis maverick Nalbandian lost his chance at the Queen’s Club title after somehow kicking a large advert into a linesman.  He has since been signed to mentor England football player Wayne Rooney in wild acts of spontaneous aggression.

Rooney is due to start in the crucial match against Ukraine and is hoping Nalbandian can help him achieve all-encompassing radge equal to football’s greatest nark merchants.

The cress-pated striker was recently banned for England’s first two matches after kicking a Montenegro player who unintentionally made a gesture that Rooney’s species interprets as a challenge to the dominant male.

Rooney said: “My biggest regret is not managing to draw blood from the bloke I hoofed.

“Some might say that going postal on a fellow professional athlete is different from knocking over a middle-aged bloke sat in a chair, but the flair with which David did it was world class.

“I think we can learn a lot from other sporting disciplines and I hope to pass on tips to Nalbandian on shouting expletives down the lens of the camera whenever things go very badly or very well.”

Nalbandian will coach Rooney on focus, backswing and standing around afterwards with a look that combines vague sheepishness and utter disinterest.

The Argentinian is also in line to win 2012’s ‘Least Sincere Sporting Apology’ by claiming he was unaware ATP rules forbade him from trying to dismember a match official.

 

 

Some people not into football

A SMALL number of British people are not responding correctly to football, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies believes it has identified a sub-group that is not only indifferent to football, but in some cases actively dislikes the game.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It had long been accepted that some women and homosexuals struggle to engage with football, but it’s hard to understand how a straight man might malfunction in this way.”

The phenomenon of ‘ball-deniers’ emerged when Roy Hobbs passed through his village summoning all males to the pub to watch an important match.

However 36-year-old Wayne Hayes failed to respond appropriately.

Hobbs said: “He refused to join us. Looking over his shoulder, I could see that his television was switched to a non-sport channel. I didn’t understand.”

Hayes, who has been quarantined in the Institute for Studies’ laboratory, said: “I just struggle to identify emotionally with these men and their leather sphere. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never met any of the players. They feel like strangers to me.

“Please take these electrodes out of my nose, I think they’re touching my brain. Is my family safe?”

Professor Brubaker said: “Hayes claims to be naturally ambivalent to football. Clearly this is impossible. On some level, even if he doesn’t realise it, he’s being spiteful.”

Next story ›