Fabregas to stage one-man slut-walk

ARSENAL’S Cesc Fabregas is to stage a solo ‘slut-walk’ after Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola accused him of wanton teasery.

As the two men leer at each other from across a crowded European
mainland for the third year in a row, Gunners boss Arsene Wenger was
warned that his captain’s mouth might be saying no but his eyes totally
say yes.

Guardiola said: “He was saying how much he liked my
midfield and was asking to have a go at my free-flowing 4-3-3 system but
as soon as I made a move he went running back to Arsene saying I was
hitting on him.

“He parades around the place practising one-touch
football, showing intelligent off-the-ball movement and being all
Catalan but acts offended if you offer him a bit of Camp Nou.

“Look at those thighs and tell me he’s not gagging for a five-year contract.”

But Fabregas has insisted he is simply a modern footballer who should be
able to enjoy his freedom without being branded a dirty slut.

He will
walk through north London on Satrurday wearing silky shorts and bright red football boots while carrying a placard saying, ‘It’s my hot body
and I do what I want’.

Meanwhile Wenger said Fabregas retains little of the enthusiasm and experimentation he used to show between the goalposts.

The Arsenal manager said: “He’d be up for anything – mazy dribbles, defence-splitting passes, even a bit of ‘helping out at the back’ when he was really in the mood.

“But toward the end of the season he just completed perfunctory five-yard passes with a look in his eyes like he’d rather be somewhere else.”

However, Guardiola insisted: “I’m no team-wrecker and I’m not trying to get between Cesc and his club but yes, given half the chance I’d love to coach the arse off him.”

 

Bob Crow successfully infiltrates bourgeoisie

CUNNING socialist Bob Crow has successfully completed a daring reconnaisance mission at an exclusive capitalist restaurant.

The anti-establishment operative cleverly duped staff and diners at Scott’s in Mayfair into believing he was simply enjoying a decadent champagne-drenched lunch with friends.

But, it has emerged, he was undertaking a revolutionary mission codenamed Operation Biteback, for which he had been briefed to observe the eating, drinking and conversational habits of the ruling elite as a first step towards the longer-term goal of overthrowing them.

A spokesman for Crow said: “Showing characteristic disregard for his own personal safety, brother Bob entered the viper’s nest at 12.45pm yesterday, knowing full well that if he slipped on a point of etiquette he would be caught and tortured.

“Despite being entirely unaccustomed to the ways of a so-called ‘restaurant’ or indeed the bourgeois concept of food as something other than a utilitarian means of sustaining physical strength, Bob negotiated the menu, successfully ordering bottles of a revolting drink called ‘Morgassi Superiore 2009 Piedmont’ which apparently tastes of workers’ tears.

“Naturally there were various tricks and traps in place to lure the working class spy, for example a dish called ‘sorbett’ which is in fact pronounced ‘sor-bay’.

“Apparently this foodstuff had a delicate yet repugnant wild strawberry flavour, redolent of the type of perfect English summer’s day which in this unjust society only stripey-blazered fops have the freedom to enjoy.”

He added: “After several hours of expert pretence brother Bob left the restaurant and quickly vomited the corrupt culinary delights into a plain builders-type bucket.

“His stomach was dreadfully upset for days before he returned to his normal diet of recycled rain water and thin soup flavoured with coal.”