THE Olympic Games were kidnapped by an abseiling maniac from the Church of Scientology right under the noses of a global audience last night.
The daredevil religious maniac gained access to the roof, lowered himself hundreds of feet, wrested them from a shocked Simone Biles and escaped via motorbike. It is feared he plans to indoctrinate them into his cult.
Eyewitness Tom Booker said: “At first I thought the lunatic with the creepy smile dropping in on wires was part of the closing ceremony, like our James-Bond-and-the-Queen but shitter.
“But as he sped away, trailing the Olympic flag behind him, I realised it was that bloke who believes in Xenu. Why wasn’t security dogpiling him? We’ll never get the games back once it’s lost its reactive mind.
“If we don’t act quickly then the next Olympics will be a mass brainwashing ceremony that tries to make you believe in disembodied souls from other planets, with gold medals only awarded to Operating Thetans.
“We need to mount a daring rescue so it can be free, shrieking in relief like his last two wives. Although I am curious as to what a Scientology opening ceremony would look like.”
The crazed abseiler said: “I didn’t even use CGI or a stunt double. I am out of my motherf**king mind.”
