SCIENTISTS based in England have confirmed that losing a major football tournament is functionally identical to winning it.
Researchers found that, by simple benefit of nationality, the Lionesses who technically lost yesterday’s World Cup final were in fact heroes who did us all proud and inspired a whole nation.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There are scientists, particularly on the Iberian peninsula, who believe losing is the opposite of winning. Not so.
“In fact losing and winning are states so interdependent on each other that in certain cases, for example if England are in the final, losing the match has exactly the same result as winning it.
“The whole nation is grateful, the players are brave and brilliant and can return home with their heads held high, we’re all celebrating, etcetera. If this is the situation, as accurately reported by the country’s media, how can that be considered ‘losing’?
“It corroborates findings from 2021’s men’s European Championship final where missing their penalties made three players amazing, when under previous, outdated systems of measurement it would have been their fault we lost.
“Interestingly this rule does not carry over to club football. For example, Manchester United lost two-nil to Spurs at the weekend because they are f**king shite.”
