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Football not coming home because it's dead, child told

AN eight-year-old has woken up excited only to be informed that football will not be coming home because it is dead. 

Tom Booker of Warrington was eager to hear what thrilling adventures football had been on the night before, only for father Tony to inform him it was all over for football and not to talk about it again.

He said: “I don’t understand. Daddy was so looking forward to football coming home. He kept singing a little song about it.

“But instead of rushing downstairs to find football and Daddy dancing around in the kitchen like Taylor Swift sings about, Daddy sat me down with my Frosties and told me football passed on at 9.45pm last night.

“He said though football had put up a fight it was dead, dead, dead, and had been buried like my budgie Jonah is in the back yard, and we should not think about football ever again as it would only make us sad.

“Daddy’s eyes were wet. I pretended mine were but they weren’t because I don’t really like football, it’s boring.”

Father Tony Booker said: “Father Christmas is a f**king twat as well.”

Everyone injured, announces Southgate

GARETH Southgate has announced, hours before the European Championship final, that the entire England squad is injured as is he. 

The manager confirmed every member of the 26-man squad, from Jude Bellingham to third-choice goalkeeper Dean Henderson, will be unfit to play in tonight’s game after picking up injuries in training but they will muddle through somehow.

He continued: “Gutted for the lads. All we did was pass the ball a bit, more of a warm-up really, and I could hear hamstrings twanging like it was Duelling Banjos. 

“Kane can’t move his hip, Saka’s snapped both metatarsals simultaneously, and nobody even wants to look at Foden’s groin. Three times the size and pulsing. So yeah, every single one of us. I shattered my elbow trying to stop Tripper falling down a old well.

“Obviously the timing is unfortunate, but we’ve just about patched a team together. It’s Ramsdale’s first go as a striker but what that gives us is the element of surprise.”

Fan Nathan Muir said: “Given the luck we’ve had, you can’t say this wasn’t due.”

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