Fischer To Be Exhumed Using The 'Trompowsky Desecration'

THE body of chess genius Bobby Fischer will be exhumed using the classic ‘Trompowsky Desecration’, it was confirmed last night.

Authorities in Iceland said the exhumation of the former world champion should be a tense encounter with both sides keen to establish dominance early on.

Fjrdn Bjrnssn, one of Iceland’s most enigmatic legal gravediggers, will remove the casket before prising off the lid using the Larsen’s Opening, a move that is sure to delight chess exhumation fans all over the world.

It is the latest round of a best of five series, with Fischer battling to regain the initiative after his opponent’s highly effective Filipino Paternity Gambit.

Pundits say Fischer will either respond with a typical Eisenberg Variation before moving on to the Tamarkin Counter-Gambit of the Zilbermints Benoni, or he might just lie there and do absolutely nothing.

Julian Cook, editor of Hot Chess, said: “Fischer hasn’t played a competitive match for nearly six years so it may take him a while to warm up.

“If he does bring out the Tamarkin-Zilbermints it’s going to be a fantastic match. But if he offers something like a Petrosian Variation or the Evans Upside-Down Giraffe then we may as well whack him on the head with a frying pan and nail the lid back down.

“That said, my gut feeling is he won’t move a muscle.”

Iceland’s opening move is named after the gratuitous, two-pronged exhumation of a neighbour’s cat by Brazilian grand master Octavio Trompowsky de Almeida in 1959.

Trompowsky died in 1984 but was himself exhumed three years later with a Richter-Veresov Attack by the Russian grandmaster Victor Korchnoi, who claimed the Brazilian had stolen his watch.

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Cameron Praises Britain's Gay Subcultures

THE prime minister has praised Britain’s homosexual subcultures as ‘the best in the world’.

At a special Downing Street reception for prominent members of the gay community, David Cameron described how bears, diesel dykes, chubs and twinks were among his favourite niche homosexual groups.

He said: “As we strive for diversity, we should embrace not only those of different sexual orientations but those niche sub-groups within gay and transgender culture which have their own unique dress codes and pecadilloes.

“Take, for example, the bear and his slimmer, more boyish counterpart the otter or cub. So much more than a lingering stereotype from the days of the Police Academy films, these hirsute denim enthusiasts are tender but taciturn, also good at practical things like plumbing. They are a boon to us all.”

He added: “And let’s not forget those devotees of the BDSM scene with their leather caps, captivity scenarios and fisting. Their underground clubs bring a vibrancy to disused railway arches in the London Bridge area that would otherwise be lacking.”

However the prime minister stressed that despite his open-minded attitude he had not himself encountered homosexuality during his years within the British public school system.

He said: “That’s a complete myth. Obviously we did that thing with the Hob Nobs and another game called ‘club manwich’, and once or twice we did a vests-only Madame Butterfly for the prefects, but nothing gay.”

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