HAVING built its identity on football-related self-pity, England has no clue how it will react if it beats Spain on Sunday.
England’s national character is defined by 57 ‘years of hurt’, meaning the country would be left in a state of paralysed shock if the Lionesses do the unthinkable and actually bring a World Cup trophy home.
Tom Booker of Stevenage said: “We’ll want to drop to our knees and cry with joy, but it won’t feel right. Instead we’ll likely gaze off into the middle distance with a vacant expression and wonder ‘Now what?’
“Our instinct will be to drown our sorrows. What’s the triumphant equivalent of that? Quaffing pints of victory? Doesn’t sit right. Doesn’t sit right at all.
“Losing at football is as English as cups of tea and James Bond. Winning is foreign and therefore deeply unsettling. We should stick to what we know and that’s disappointment.”
Nikki Hollis from Colchester said: “Maybe winning the World Cup will usher in a new golden era for this country. As an encore we’ll fix everything else that’s going wrong, and God knows there’s a lot.
“Although in all likelihood a win will cause an even worse, more arrogant English persona. We’ll develop a hatred of Spain like the one we already have for the Germans. The Spanish Armada is a good starting point.
“We’d better throw the match, just to be safe.”
