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England apologises after remembering cricket is all Australia has

THE MCC has offered Australia a full apology after remembering that cricket is all the nation has to offer the world. 

Following controversy over the dismissal of Jonny Bairstow in yesterday’s Ashes match, the England cricket team have agreed to let Australia have this as they have literally nothing else.

Captain Ben Stokes said: “I’ll be honest, I was furious. It’s blatantly unfair. But then I saw the Aussies’ faces and thought, poor bastards. This is it for them.

“We’re used to failure; as a team, as a sport and individually, because none of us could make it as Premier League footballers. Failure’s baked in.

“But Australia? They don’t have football, only their own version with fighting. They don’t have culture, or history, or Neighbours, or anything else that makes you feel a success as a nation. Cricket is all they’ve got.

“If they can’t win at this then they’re a nation of total losers at the arse-end of the world on a continent that’s 70 per cent uninhabitable. If they have to cheat to win, let them.”

Australia captain Pat Summers blustered: “F**k you! F**k you! We do well in the Olympics!”

'Who will take my money?' cries despairing Farage on high street with duffel bags of cash

NIGEL Farage has been seen staggering up provincial high streets carrying duffel bags of banknotes searching for a bank that will accept him. 

The Brexiteer, ejected from all financial institutions for his heretical beliefs, was forced to stuff tens of thousands of legally acquired funds into sports bags and wander Britain looking for a safe haven for his money.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “You can see where he’s been by the trail of fifties. In and out of Barclays, Lloyds, the building societies and even the credit unions.

“None of them will take him. ‘Your money’s no good here,’ they said, and shooed him away. He’s on a bench, surrounded by his cash, begging strangers to open an account for him. They don’t even slow down.

“At one point he entered a pub and shouted ‘Will anyone here please bank my money?’ Nobody answered. He tried to order a pint but the barman coldly informed him they’ve gone card-only.

“He’s still out there now, frantically trying to find somewhere to deposit his funds. On his knees in his blue suit, trying to dig a hole in the earth with his bare hands.”

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