JAMIE Carragher will retire at the end of this season to become Britain’s most sought-after vocal performer.
Chanel, Jaguar and Armani have offered six-figure sums to have the meandering Liverpool defender lend his high-frequency tones to their ad campaigns, while animation giant Pixar has asked him to play a slow-witted octopus in Finding Nemo 2.
Agent Tom Logan said: “The publisher of 50 Shades Of Grey also want him to do the audio book. You’ve not experienced true erotica until you’ve heard the word ‘dildo’ in a Bootle accent.
“People are tired of Rob Brydon’s measured, friendly timbre and they want somebody who sounds like a fax machine having an argument in a tuba full of phlegm.”