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They mocked John Harvey Kellogg for inventing corn flakes as an anti-masturbation suppressant, but you rarely see someone have a wank whilst they’re eating them.

IT WAS the greatest day of the year, Remembrance Sunday, when the door was smashed down and armed police rushed the house.

WAKING up with a hangover that causes me to emit several small pieces of my brain when I sneeze, I realise I have had a nightmare in which I dreamt I was an insipid, bespectacled fellow called ‘Welby’.

HI. Sorry for calling you 17 times from an unknown number. It's former heavyweight champion of the world ‘Iron’ Mike Tyson here. Can I speak to you about your internet provider?

CAN Ryan Whittaker, Now TV and Apple TV, and Hannah Tomlinson, Netflix and Disney Plus, forge a meeting of minds despite the gulf between them?

Let’s play rock paper scissors, best of three. Rock. Rock. Rock.

Waking up with a morning head that feels as if I have eaten a pair of dead man’s soiled trousers dumped outside the door of a charity shop, I turn on the radio to hear the grimmest of grim news.

TO make America even greater? Make it larger. I plead with you, President Trump, to end our socialist misery and annex the UK.

FEW of us have a high opinion of our own features at the best of times. When locked in a rictus of orgasm, contorted with explosive bliss, it’s worse.

Have loud sex at 3am on the cold, wet paving slabs where your wheelie bins are. That'll show those fox bastards.