WAKING up with a mouth as dry and desiccated as the remains of Mother Teresa, I sweep away the empty bottles strewn across my bed and ruminate on the events of last week. 

I had been invited as guest of honour to the annual Christmas party held by the Little Sisters of the Poor, among an audience of underprivileged children from the Westminster Orphanage and their carers. The keynote speech was delivered by Sister Gloria Boniface. 

‘As we celebrate this festive season, which is first and foremost to mark the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, let us give thanks and praise to -‘

‘It’s fucking November,’ I interjected. ‘Why the fuck is everyone having their Christmas parties in November? This is the sixth one I’ve been invited to. 

‘November. That’s fucking fireworks season. Let’s go to the car park and dick around with rockets. I’ve some empty bottles in my bag we can let them off from. Or we can just chuck them at each other.’

And with a loud, assenting cheer from the assembled children and their carers, we emptied the room and did just that. 

Storing away this cherished memory, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that former US secretary of state Dr Henry Kissinger has died, aged 100. Tony Blair paid tribute, saying: ‘I consider it one of the greatest privileges of my political life to have known him. He inspired me and taught me and I will forever be grateful to him.’

Fuck me, crack out the fucking champers, at last the evil cunt is dead! He should have been flayed, roasted alive and dangled by his feet from a lamppost decades ago! Destroyed the lives of people in Cambodia, Chile, East Timor, you fucking name it, and gets treated like some wise old teddy bear by centrists! Of course he taught you everything, Blair. That’s how we ended up in fucking Iraq! The pair of you should have spent the last 20 years sharing a fucking slop bucket in a cell in The Hague!

Former health secretary Matt Hancock has told the Covid inquiry that his ‘transgressions’ may have affected public confidence in Covid rules. He resigned after footage emerged of him kissing his aide Gina Coladangelo, breaking social distancing guidelines.

Oh fucking hell, don’t fucking remind us of that, Handjob. You’ve given us all the fucking dry heaves! Never mind a Covid inquiry, there should be some sort of inquiry into how a pop-eyed pellet of pure pillock like you ever rose above the rank of junior estate agent and ended up in frontline politics! Of course that affects public confidence! If you issued guidelines recommending wiping your arse after taking a shit I’d fucking think twice about doing it!

It seems the BBC current affairs show Newsnight is to be shaken up, with investigative journalism to be curtailed in favour of more studio debate. 

You know what? Why not just fucking dump it altogether? Replace it with old episodes of Sergeant Bilko and Laurel and fucking Hardy? Seriously, you might as well. What serious person would actually sit up late just to watch the docile, grovelling fucking shambles that is fucking Newsnight? Especially if it’s no longer going to contain any ‘news’, just a bunch of far-right fruitloops on speed dial spouting unchallenged bollocks pulled freshly from their arse?

Finally, there has been some debate this week over whether Britain should return the Elgin Marbles to Greece, with Rishi Sunak saying that they cannot be returned ‘as a matter of law’.

Jesus H Cunt, what the fuck are you on about, you silly little prick? What fucking law? They don’t fucking belong to us! They’re not ours! They’re theirs! How would you fucking feel if I stole your trousers from the changing rooms of Westminster squash club and wore them on my fucking head during Sunday Service, then told you I couldn’t give them back because it’d be against ‘the law’? They’re your fucking trousers and they’re their fucking marbles, how fucking hard is that to understand?