Aries, March 21st–April 19th
There’s no way to to sugarcoat this – those aren’t Frosties.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
When I describe something as Orwellian I’m talking about a pig walking on its hind legs.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
Taking candy from a baby is famously easy but it’s better to take something they’re not allowed to have, like whisky or a knife.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Back in ancient Rome, they had no idea they were in ancient Rome. They thought they were in just present-day Rome despite all the togas and columns and shit.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
Did you know they removed gullible from the dictionary? They did. They actually did this time. For real. They removed it. Look it up. You don’t know how to spell it, do you?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
You’ve been officially accepted into the Freemasons. Next policeman you meet, try the following handshake: loose grip, tickle their palm, kiss them full on the mouth.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
You proudly don your ‘Dear person behind me, the world is a better place for having you in it’ hoodie, then look over your shoulder and who’s there but fucking Hitler.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
You don’t call a spade a spade. At the age of 43 you’ve still no idea what a spade is and fear it’s too late to ask.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
You’re like Bruce Springsteen, if Bruce Springsteen had grown up in the West Midlands and never had a guitar but did write a poem called ’Walsall is Shit’.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
You wake up with a horse’s head on the pillow next to you. Been on the love philtres again, Titania?
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Wait, a southpaw is a left-handed boxer? Not a dog breed abnormally sensitive to magnetism?
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
Weddings are great apart from the bit where you have to watch two boring people explain their favourite boring things about each other. ‘Who gives a shit!?’ you heckle.