Aries, March 21st–April 19th
They say it’s always the one you least suspect. So it looks like the BBC photos scandal presenter is Konnie Huq.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
Your neighbour says they’re just knotholes that occur naturally in wooden fences. But you know a glory hole when you see one.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
You’re single and ready to mingle! You’d have thought your spouse would have found a more tactful way of saying they’re leaving you after 17 years of marriage.
Leo, July 22rd–August 22nd
Why would Americans have passports when they can have sunshine and beaches without one? D’you think Brits go to Spain to check out the Moorish architecture?
Cancer, June 23nd–July 22nd
If extraterrestrials are so interested in anal probes, why don’t they just ask Prince William?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
How deluded does a man have to be to decide he deserves a threesome? Looking down at his cock thinking, ‘This is too big a job for one woman. We need backup.’
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Don’t get too upset about Romeo and Juliet dying. They’d be dead by now anyway.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21st
As a Scorpio, you share your star sign with Jimmy Savile. Keep quiet about that, don’t you?
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Not all those who wander are lost. Your neighbour’s cat knows exactly where it is when it has a shit in your herb garden.
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Why do they say horsing around? Are horses known to fuck about? ‘Horseplay’ sounds pretty dodgy too.
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
Brighten up airport security’s day by spelling out ‘BELLEND’ in tin foil in your suitcase. They’ll probably get into the spirit of things by giving you a hilarious cavity search.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
The origin of the phrase ‘Freeze the balls off a brass monkey’ is hotly disputed. It actually refers to a metal statue of Monkey star Masaaki Sakai in his home city of Tokyo, which was hit by a tanker carrying liquid nitrogen and subsequently ‘castrated’. So now you know.
