Aries, March 21st–April 19th
If crabs can only go sideways how do they make love? Handjobs are possible, just, but surely not full penetration.
Taurus, April 20th–May 20th
You spotted 16 Easter eggs in the new Dr Strange movie, but more than 460,000 in Hop. Your move, Marvel.
Gemini, May 21st–June 21st
What a tangled web we weave when we tell one friend you can’t come out to the pub tonight because you’re tired, and another friend that it’s because you can’t be arsed.
Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd
Fruit machines are so named because originally the prizes were fruit. You’d put in a grape and hope to come away with a punnet of strawberries or the jackpot of a nice, ripe rock melon.
Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd
When you have a nosebleed, it’s important to lean your head back. Sorry, forwards. No – back. You know what, just keep it normal level?
Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd
In this hyperconnected, information-rich world there are only two eternal mysteries: who the support is and what time the headline act’s on.
Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd
Thank fuck for monkeypox, a disease that actually sounds like a disease. Bring back diseases that sound like they could fuck you up.
Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd
Don’t worry about saving holiday time for summer. You’re likely to get laid off soon then you can spend three whole months in Barbados, leaving whenever you want.
Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st
Too late you notice the small wooden sign in a cheerfully rustic typeface that says ‘If you didn’t wanna fuck, you shouldna got in the hot tub!’
Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th
Condolences if you lost out in the cryptocurrency crash. But, seeing as cryptocurrency is imaginary, why not simply imagine it’s worth loads?
Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th
You attach a bell to your cat’s collar to stop it killing birds. It’s a 28in cast-iron church bell weighing 400lbs. It’s worked.
Pisces, February 19th–March 20th
You never hear of children being named Edward the Confessor any more.
