WAKING up with a particularly intense hangover following a late evening with a convention of Mother Superiors, I realise that I have grown a second head, this being the only way my constitution could cope with the cerebral strain of my imbibing.
Immediately, the two craniums are at loggerheads.
‘I really think you could make more of an effort to display some of the piety that befits your station,’ hectors the new head, as if assuming the role of my conscience.
‘Fuck you, Percy!’ snarls the other head. ‘The world is a cesspit of toxic shit and the only way to cope is to dive in and fucking well suck it up.’
‘I dissent!’ hoots the first head. ‘In order to maintain our holiness we must eschew the fleshpots, the vats of liquor, the…’
Fortunately, I have manoeuvred toward my chest of drawers, beneath which I keep a bladed weapon in case of contingencies such as this. I grab it, and with a single smite, remove this superfluous head from my shoulders, rather enjoying the spectacle of the fountain of blood in its wake.
Having arranged with my private surgeon for the wound to be stitched up, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that the government plans to ban smoking in outdoor areas of pubs and restaurants. Tory Esther McVey responded by quoting the famous poem about the Holocaust that begins ‘First they came for the Communists/ And I did not speak out…’ by pastor Martin Niemöller.
Hahaha, fuck me you GB News-addled strawheaded fucking clown! You’re comparing being asked to stub out your fag in a beer garden to fucking Auschwitz? I hate this government but I fucking hope they go with this if it pisses off cancer-spreading opportunists like you looking for a ‘nanny state’ bandwagon to jump on! Not to mention the twats who started smoking because they saw it in a film in the 80s. Yeah, sucking on a Rothmans with clacking lungs has really given you that fucking Mickey Rourke cool, hasn’t it? Mickey Rourke these days, not the 9½ Weeks version.
The Manchester rock group Oasis have announced that they intend to reform, with a series of dates commencing in Cardiff next year.
Cut off my cock, dip it in Japanese sauce and stuff it up my arse, we need this like we need a another fucking Iraq war! Reactionary sludge for shitheads served up by a pair of simian, queer-baiting fuckbrains who made a fortune mining the worst instincts of British kids with lethargic guitars and a fucking Krusty the Clown imitator! Fuck it, let’s make Tony Blair prime minister again! While we’re at it, let’s dig up the corpse of Terry Venables and make him England manager! Cool Britannia? Cunt Britannia, more likely.
Thames Water have announced that if they are to survive, they will have to hike average bills by 59 per cent.
Well, there is no alternative, is there? The whole point of privatisation, as opposed to the loony left insanity of nationalisation, is that fuckers like you screw the public at ever greater rates to cover your superfatted arses for your fucking incompetence which has left our rivers with the chemical composition H2ShitO! If you can’t fucking run a basic monopoly like water you deserve to go under! Preferably in your own faeces and bacteria-filled water!
Finally, Keir Starmer has warned that ‘things will get a lot worse before they get better’ in a major speech.
Get a lot worse? How the fuck can they get worse? Actual fucking shit coming out of our taps? Rents for studio flats increased from £2,000 a month to £4,000? Pensioners forced to eat their own fucking lower limbs to survive? I mean, they like crap like tripe and meat paste but that’s going too far. And it’s hard not to notice things aren’t projected to get worse for the cunts who’ve been fleecing the UK for the last 30 years. Any chance of lifting a finger to do anything about that? No fucking chance. Oh well, looks like you won’t be going round to granny’s next time she makes a nice stew.
