By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist slightly to the right of Hitler
LIZ Truss? Won’t hear a word against her. A brilliant stateswoman, a towering intellect, and the right choice for leader. Last week’s column backing Mordaunt was written by an intern.
The comparison of Liz Truss to an old lady’s budgerigar delightedly pecking a mirror, in love with its own reflection but never deep-down sure it’s not another budgie? That was a misprint.
The claim that she looks like the villain of a young adult movie whose neck is broken but rises up, possessed by ineffectual evil, to stagger across the room? Inaccurate copy edits.
And when I said she resembled Lady Penelope from Thunderbirds, ‘a doddery, plastic-faced puppet unable to walk across a room convincingly whose chauffeur does all the fucking work’? There are a number of ways you can interpret that. I meant it positively.
All that stuff about Penny Mordaunt being the greatest leader ever to stride this earth? I was joking. She’s nothing to me now. Her fake naval service, her pathetic belly-flop and those ridiculous silicone tits. She’s no better than Katie Price.
It was a mere infatuation. Unlike my passion for Liz, which ignited not two hours hence and burns with the same clear, steady unchanging flame as the grave of Elvis.
The reincarnation of Margaret Thatcher, Truss was born to pull the levers of power. Why else would she feel so entitled to the job that she doesn’t even try to sell herself?
Media interviews? Assassination attempts by Communists? Why do those, when the British people can judge Liz purely on her outfits, her fixed grin, her proud record of trade deals with Ecuador and the Faroe Islands?
Liz Truss is our next prime minister. No other choice is possible. I have always said that, and always will.
And should Rishi win? I’ll be up his arse faster than a greased ferret on amphetamines.