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This week in Mash History: Whiny peasant becomes first person to declare he doesn't 'get' Shakespeare, 1601

WILLIAM Shakespeare is the most renowned playwright in history, inspiring generations of actors and middle-class ponces to wank on about him like they’re dead clever.

But did you know that the first whiny, pissed-off criticisms of the Bard’s work came during his own lifetime, from a plebeian audience member referred to in historical records only as ‘Maurice the Privy Scooper’? 

While many today regard Hamlet as Shakespeare’s magnum opus, Maurice disagreed, demanding a refund and only shutting up when his wife told him to stop being embarrassing. His outburst, as recorded by the theatre’s clerks, is as follows: 

“Sorry, but I just don’t get what all the fuss is about. Four hours of gaylords in tights talking at each other, then suddenly everyone’s dead. And I risked getting plague for that?

“The wife dragged me along to The Globe because one of her mates was raving about this William Shakespeare guy. Course, when one of my mates suggests watching a pack of dogs fight a bear to the death, she wants a night in. Typical bloody shrew.

“So I put on my best lice-infested shirt, coughed up a bloody extortionate quarter of a penny, and what did we get? Just a Danish guy having rich person problems. Same as the comedies and histories: rich kids depressed because they can’t shag each other or rich kids happy because they do shag each other. Then a rubbish sword fight. The only decent joke in Shakespeare is a bloke called Bottom.

“Haha. Bottom.”

Maurice continued: “Whatever happened to proper plays like in the good old days? Christopher Marlowe, he could write a show. Doctor Faustus, with the devil popping up all the time. There’s a good bit of gore in that, with ‘live quarters broiling on coals’ and some sex if you imagine it. Now everyone’s so sensitive it’s all ‘subtext’ this and ‘subtext’ that.

“If he wants my advice he should make them shorter and jazz them up a bit. Magic, maybe a witch or three, women being played by actual women, that might be popular. I’m just spitballing here.”

And so a mere commoner began the tradition of being a reductive whiner about Shakespeare, a tradition that lives on with GCSE students who’ve had ample time to get the general gist and memorise a few quotes, but left it to two days before the exam, the twats.

Next week: Sputnik, 1957. Was it a bit shit?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

‘The stork doesn’t bring babies,’ you explain to your children. ‘That would mean Daddy had fucked a stork.’

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

God, you wish you had it as easy as Dolly Parton. You work 8.30am to 6.30pm and your boss still sends you Teams messages in the middle of the night.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

I know it goes against society’s current morés, but consider this: what if writing half-a-million words of gay One Direction pornography when you were 14 was a bad thing?

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Time to stop asking bald blokes if the carpets match the curtains. They’re too keen to prove otherwise.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Yes, that tattoo of a sphynx cat with four eyes is meaningful for you. But you do realise every other cunt can see it?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

To maximise publicity the upcoming Polly Pocket movie will be going up against a heavyweight biopic of Enrico Fermi, because Hollywood always does the exact same shit twice.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

‘Come closer,’ you whisper to your grandchildren on your death bed. ‘The secret to my fortune is hidden… somewhere in my 44,300 open browser tabs.’

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

“I’ve seen crisp flavours you people wouldn’t believe. Maple bacon… Honey dijon… Thai red curry… all lost in time, like tears in rain.”

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

‘So,’ you conclude your presentation to your boss and HR, ‘with more than two million users around the world, the pornography I was viewing during office hours is anything but niche.’

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

‘Come and have a go if you think you’re aard enough,’ taunts the aardvark from his lofty perch to every other animal in the dictionary.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Never us turning on the telly to find a uniformed general dripping with medals declaring himself our president for life, is it? Happens all the time in Wales.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Nature abhors a vacuum. Your dog certainly does.

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