This may be my last missive from the United Kingdom of Hamas

26th October 2023

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who believes Sadiq Khan wants to set up ULEZ death camps

A WOMAN hurries home from Waitrose, afraid that if she is seen without a burqa she will be dragged away by the religious police, her Charlie Bigham’s lasagne crushed on the pavement under the jackboot of Islamofascism.

No, this is not some fictional dystopia like The Handmaid’s Tale, this is me in Great Britain right now, after our spineless liberal establishment gave its wholehearted support to Hamas.

Take Gary Lineker. He was eager to tweet his condemnation of Brexit, but has remained silent on Hamas. With such tacit support for these vile fanatics the Match of the Day presenter may as well be kidnapping innocent Israelis himself.

And what of the woke activists we call a police force who allowed a pro-Palestinian march to take place in a democracy? I’ll tell you this for free, coppers, when Hamas have finished taking over the UK they won’t look kindly on you prancing around at Pride with all your favourite drag queens.

The list of terrorist supporters – which I define as anyone not calling for the immediate obliteration of Gaza with nuclear weapons – goes on and on. Owen Jones, the BBC, the UN, probably Eddie Izzard, the Guardian, Corbyn, the EU, Sir Keir Starmer, Channel 4. Coincidentally these are all people and organisations I and my newspaper already hate with a vengeance, but that just proves how right we were.

No, I would never use a terrorist atrocity to score cheap political points, but ask yourself this: how many Remoaners have stood up and called for Hamas to be hunted down like rabid dogs?

Only one man can stop Britain becoming a vassal state of Gaza, and that is Rishi Sunak, who I realise I recently described as a ‘useless, out-of-touch Fauntleroy geek’, but that was two weeks ago.

During his trip to Israel, Rishi had the courage to unquestioningly agree with everything Benjamin Netanyahu said, even if it meant looking like a spineless little worm, and that takes true courage.

So if you oppose Hamas, remember to vote Conservative, and not just because the next election is looking distinctly precarious. I don’t want to be a second-class citizen in a brutal theocracy where you have to pray five times a day. I simply haven’t got time to fit it in with yoga and the school run.

A white home counties roadman has his phone confiscated

25th October 2023

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains why he unjustly had his brand new iPhone confiscated in violation of his right to Snap.

Wagwan? Man vexed deep. Da authorities have stolen man’s comms. Man has been forced against him’s will to turnover new hiPhone Pro by him’s history teacher, Miss Jackson. Well rank!

Man’s tellin’ you, it’s a hinjustice. Lady G and man’s solid bruv Drilla X had their comms illegally confiscated too. But da crime against Active J is greatest, coz Active J has da most expensivest phone, innit.

Miss thought man was not payin’ attention in class. Man was, but to a Yootoob video of a XL Bully takin’ down a halligator. It woz very heducational, so wot is her’s beef? It’s against man’s ooman rights to be deprived of Snapchat an’ Insta, an’ wivout him’s phone Active J is a wasteman.

Man’s hairpods went dead too, and wivout da Active J grime playlist man felt naked, and vulnerable to conversations wiv randoms.

Like every gangsta, man has a burna phone for business, but parents don’t gift man two phone contracts, so da burna only works on wifi at da man’s crib, savage!

When da ‘ometime bell goes man will swag into Miss Jackson’s cribroom an’ demand him’s property back. Miss will pure buffer and give da comms over straight away. Not just coz it’s ’ometime and she has to, but coz bossman Active J sez so, innit.

Dat is what I tell da mandem anyway. Miss Jackson is bare strict and man might be well shook.