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Six ways to look fucked off in a… waterproof

BRITISH summer has splashed down, holidays are happening, and coastlines are choked with families fighting horizontal sleet. How do you wear your waterproof? 

Branded

North Face, Berghaus, Mammut or Rab, if you’re wearing good outdoor gear made for mountains then you’re wearing a complementary aura of smugness at being the driest bitch on the beach. Shrugging off those raindrops like they’re harsh words online, baby!

Branded, tier two

Though the professionals make it look bad. It’s Cornwall not the Cairngorms, loser. Rocking up in a Peter Storm or a Craghoppers shames those zipped-up fuckers with their overdressed Gore-Tex; it may be wet but we don’t have to live that way, dude. Of course it’ll have seeped through to your shoulders after 45 minutes, but that’s hot.

DryRobe

Waterproof on the outside, towelling on the inside, chic like Sam Cam cuckolding her husband in his shepherd’s hut, the DryRobe is so now it’s almost a second ago. Rush into one and strut the Polperro cobbles before the world spots you can’t copyright a concept that simple and they’re £35 up the middle of LIDL!

Safety bright

The day’s grey but you’re day-glo, walking along that clifftop path into the very teeth of the hurricane in vibrant orange, the family close behind in eye-burning powder blue, cognition-blocking green and pink hotter than Barbie’s labia. Who needs the sun when there’s a rainbow here on earth?

Waxed

Go for country gent style with a waxed Barbour and you’ll be as crusty and comfortable as the castle you’re visiting to get out of the bloody rain! Which is to say not at all, because the aristocratic sneer at comfort and your jacket hasn’t been waxed since you bought the motherfucker in 2012 and lets in water like a convertible Vectra!

A disposable rain poncho

Don’t want to hide your drip when it’s dripping wet? A fully transparent disposable rain poncho – it’s a bag with a hood and armholes, putting the macro in microplastics – lets your fit shine through while the water slides off. Giving that Alton Towers vibe wherever you are, and lets the sweat do what the rain theoretically can’t!

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

There’s no way to to sugarcoat this – those aren’t Frosties.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

When I describe something as Orwellian I’m talking about a pig walking on its hind legs.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

Taking candy from a baby is famously easy but it’s better to take something they’re not allowed to have, like whisky or a knife.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Back in ancient Rome, they had no idea they were in ancient Rome. They thought they were in just present-day Rome despite all the togas and columns and shit.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Did you know they removed gullible from the dictionary? They did. They actually did this time. For real. They removed it. Look it up. You don’t know how to spell it, do you?

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

You’ve been officially accepted into the Freemasons. Next policeman you meet, try the following handshake: loose grip, tickle their palm, kiss them full on the mouth.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

You proudly don your ‘Dear person behind me, the world is a better place for having you in it’ hoodie, then look over your shoulder and who’s there but fucking Hitler.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You don’t call a spade a spade. At the age of 43 you’ve still no idea what a spade is and fear it’s too late to ask.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

You’re like Bruce Springsteen, if Bruce Springsteen had grown up in the West Midlands and never had a guitar but did write a poem called ’Walsall is Shit’.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

You wake up with a horse’s head on the pillow next to you. Been on the love philtres again, Titania?

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Wait, a southpaw is a left-handed boxer? Not a dog breed abnormally sensitive to magnetism?

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Weddings are great apart from the bit where you have to watch two boring people explain their favourite boring things about each other. ‘Who gives a shit!?’ you heckle.

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