Not many women turn on TV to watch their husband in a live car crash. Just whoever's married to Formula One drivers and me

22nd March 2023

From the diary of Carrie Johnson, wife of the member for Uxbridge and South Ruislip

TURNING on afternoon television to watch your husband smash his entire career due to a desperate miscalculation at least makes a change from Pointless.

Big Dog’s worked hard for this one. Lord Pannick’s been here so much I’d have charged him rent if we weren’t rent-free. He was up half the night doing childish scribbled notes.

But then I turn on the TV and there he is doing his mean stare at Harriet Harman like Paddington’s evil twin and before I unmute I know he’s fucked it.

‘I’m one of the best liars in the country,’ he said yesterday, an unusual boast for most husbands but is one I hear regularly. ‘Yes, love,’ I said, ‘but you’re not usually quite so pinned down.’

‘Doesn’t matter,’ he said, draining a Beaujolais from the Bamfords’ cellar. ‘A fudge here, a hedge here, a swell of self-righteousness about saving Britain, and they won’t know up from down.’

‘Last time you got pinned down by a lawyer,’ I remind him, ‘was Marina. Over me. And that left you homeless, flat broke, with two out of four kids calling you an arsehole.’

‘Mm,’ he said, which for him is something of an admission. ‘It’s women, you see? Don’t like being questioned by them. Gets my back up. And she’s a lefty. And plain.

‘Still, as long as I believed in my heart that I was following the guidance at all times they can’t touch me. And they can’t know what was in my heart, can they? The Boris Comeback Special, they’ll call it.’

I don’t say anything. I keep my counsel. And then I turn on the TV and watch my idiot husband crash and burn in real time.

The pros and cons and but the pros though of putting out on a first date

21st March 2023

YOU’RE on a first date. Improbably, it’s going well. Even more improbably, you fancy him, but should you carry that through to full penetrative sex?

Pro: It’s time-efficient

He could be shit in bed. Whether a premature ejaculator, a without-asking choker or demanding he be called Daddy, it could be shit. And if you go tonight you won’t waste time and hope on a string of dates, potentially falling for a man who doesn’t know or care what a clit is.

Pro: You don’t know him yet

It can be so refreshing, especially coming out of a long-term relationship, to fuck someone you don’t already hate. No knowing he voted UKIP in 2015 or acquaintance with his athlete’s foot to get in the way. You can climax in total ignorance of what a cow his mother is.

Pro: You can be lazy

He’ll be so delighted that you’re fucking he’ll put in the work. Oral, erogenous zones, the lot. Meanwhile you can perform at minimum-wage levels of effort. No licking his balls or sending down a single exploratory finger. You’ll never see him and don’t care about feedback. That’s what ghosting’s for.

Con: You haven’t tidied

If you’d known you were going to have spontaneous sex you’d have run the Hoover round. Your sheets are celebrating their eighth month of continuous service and there’s a Bagpuss hot water bottle on the bed. Also, how is it ‘down there’? Do you want a near-stranger poking round the flat while you shower?

Con: Red flags might get overlooked

Good sex could leave you blinded by lust and waving past minor issues like calling his nanny daily, boasting about his Tesla and his social life as a vicious online troll. You couldn’t keep your legs shut and now you’re in a relationship with a twat.

Cons: He could judge you for it

As a woman, you’re meant to guard the sacred treasure of your pussy with your life. Let him have a go on the first night and he’ll think you’re easy and never call you again. But if you don’t, you won’t have had a shag and he still might never call you again.

Cons: You could get an STI

It’s all very well being impulsive and wild if it’s sex so good you’ll frig yourself to the memory for years to come. But catching herpes from a lousy lay will stay with you through the years in an altogether less satisfying way.

But Pro though: You’re drunk

Why even bother getting drunk if not to make bad decisions? You may as well do something with your intoxication besides going home and eating a loaf of bread on your own in the dark. Look at you, living a little! Puking in someone else’s loo!

But Pro though: You get to have sex

The pro to beat all cons. How can any counter argument stand up against the fact that you get to ride a hard dick for a night, just when you’re in the mood? And if you don’t go for it right away, another chance might not come along. Carpe penis, as Robin Williams would say.