NAIL artist Kelly Howard, aged 29, only swiped right on Jack Browne, aged 32, because of his adorable King Charles spaniel. Can she endure a whole date without seeing it?
Kelly on Jack
First impression?
Jack almost looked exactly like he did on his Bumble profile. Except he wasn’t holding a lead with that heart-meltingly gorgeous dog on the end of it, even though I hinted pretty strongly I’d be angry if he didn’t. So that was already a blatant catfish.
How was conversation?
He asked all the standard first date questions: where do you work, got any siblings, what do you do for fun, the usual shit. I responded by asking how old Charlie was, did he like to be tickled, can he raise one paw, etcetera. It’s important to be upfront about what you want from a relationship.
Memorable moments?
A man walked past the restaurant window with a bearded dachshund in tow, its little tail wagging away like a clock. I gazed at it dreamily, picturing myself in his place.
Favourite thing about Jack?
He owns Charlie. Jack is a dog owner. Charlie technically belongs to Jack and if we got married I would own Charlie. The dog. I want the dog. Give me the dog.
A capsule description?
Dog-owning man unfairly deprives canine-starved woman.
Was there a spark?
I got a jolt of happiness when I saw pictures of Charlie on his phone I’d never seen before. Admittedly I had to swipe past the picture of some niece or whatever, but it was worth the effort. I got through half a dozen before he wrestled it off me.
What happened afterwards?
I invited myself round to his for a night of unforgettable passion where he could do anything he wanted to me. I qualified it with ‘if Charlie’s there.’ He declined.
What would you change about the evening?
Jack could have dropped the dog off and gone home. Charlie and I could have gone on a lovely walk through a park, and I’d have thrown sticks for him and petted him and told him what a good boy he was. Not that I want to date a dog. That would be weird.
Will you see each other again?
When I got home I saw that Jack had unmatched me, so probably not. I can’t blame him. He’s got Charlie. Why would he need anything else?
Jack on Kelly
First impression?
It would seem she wasn’t joking about bringing the dog, even though this is a reasonably expensive restaurant. She told the waitress she was only dating me because of my dog. I had to show the waitress pictures of my dog. We hadn’t even ordered drinks.
How was the conversation?
Dog-centric. I could have told her I was the billionaire who invented the Covid vaccine and I spend weekends at my beach house on the Sea of Tranquility and she wouldn’t have given a fuck, because they have nothing to do with my dog.
Memorable moments?
The toilet paper in the restaurant bathroom was triple-ply. Don’t see that very often. I had a nice chat to the attendant about ska. I don’t know much about ska, but it was a blessed reprieve from fucking questions about my fucking dog.
Favourite thing about Kelly?
She offered to split the bill, which I happily took her up on because she wasted my evening badgering me about a pet I am slowly growing to resent.
A capsule description?
Kelly has no interest in me as a person and only dated me to take away what makes me happy. So a pretty normal first date as a man, really.
Was there a spark?
I’ve never had a less romantic evening in my life. And I play five-a-side with fat blokes every Thursday.
What happened afterwards?
Kelly flung herself at me and I fobbed her off with some bullshit about needing to get up early for work. I expect she went home via the greyhound racing track to get her dog fix.
What would you change about the evening?
Kelly.
Will you see each other again?
I am in the process of taking out a restraining order against Kelly on behalf of my dog. So I’d say it’s unlikely.
