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How to scrape out a compliment about your partner's genitals, with the Mash sex columnist

JUST like when a friend asks your opinion on a poem they’ve written, it can be hard to find nice things to say about your partner’s junk. But anything that may boost your chances of oral sex is worth a go.

If you’re struggling to big up something that looks like it was the result of a botched genetic experiment by a mad professor, you may need some inspiration. Help yourself out with this cheat list:

Lie

Most enduring sexual relationships are founded upon blatant lies, as you’ll know having said things like ’I’m so hot for you… I can really feel that… Yes, I’ve come…’ on a regular basis. So don’t feel the pressure to be honest, especially not when it comes to complimenting genitalia previously only seen pickled in formaldehyde in a Cabinet of Curiosities. Just tell him he’s big and tell her she’s tight and be done with it.

Trick yourself

Since it’s undeniably hard to come up with flattering words for something that looks like it should be growing on the Elephant Man’s face, why not think up plaudits for other objects and apply them here? Imagine you’re complimenting a new car, for example: ‘Love the colour, is that sunset mauve on the helmet? Feels as soft and buttery as calfskin. How many speeds does it go?’ You may not imagine they’ll appreciate their penis being compared to a Nissan Almera, but in the throes of foreplay you can get away with a lot.

Get poetic

Be creative with your words: tell her her vag is as warm and wet as a summer rock pool. Compare his dick to a big, hard fire hydrant. You may not be Chaucer but, in the interests of steaming things up in the bedroom, you can pretend to be. Why not really lean into that smutty Medieval language and attempt to get them hot by saying things like ‘ram that stif bourdon up my bedewed queynte with haste’. Remember, stumbling on new kinks is always a bonus.

Get the tone right

It doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you say it with enthusiasm. So slap on a happy face and keep your tone positive and full of wonder: ‘Look at these veins! What does this lumpy bit do?’ Even if you lack the imagine to do anything other than commentate on what is happening in front of your eyes, you’ll pull it off if you sound encouraging enough: ‘Wow, look at that, it’s going floppy!’

Talk the talk

Dirty talk is essentially just bullshitting, so try channelling people known for their expertise in this area, for example politicians or candidates from The Apprentice. Talk yourself up by saying things like ‘As a sexual athlete, I would rate myself as the best in Europe’. Overstate the case when complimenting your partner too, but if you find yourself describing their clitoris as ‘bigly’, you’ve gone too far.

Keep things simple

While imagination always helps in the bedroom, it’s important not to overthink things. There’s enough to juggle during foreplay anyway, what with zips and bra clasps to manage, and farts to hold in. If fancy compliments are one thing too many to manage, a simple ‘Nice dick, babe’ or ‘Woah, now that’s what I call a vulva!’ will do just fine.

Her new laser eyes won't turn off: Which insane Princess Kate disappearance rumour do you believe?

ARE you a rational person, or do you now believe one of these wild Princess Kate rumours swirling around the internet?

Her new laser eyes won’t turn off

The doctors popped them in while she was in hospital, but they didn’t do a proper job. Now Princess Kate is unleashing a beam of atomic energy from her eyes 24/7, when they were only originally meant to amaze audiences at ribbon cutting ceremonies. If word gets out about them, everyone will try and copy the look.

The Palace can’t tell her apart from the clones

Princess Kate’s schedule is too busy for one person, so the Palace resorted to making lifelike facsimiles to ease the strain. The only problem is that they did too good a job, and now they can’t tell the real Princess of Wales apart from the fakes. Why else do you think William had to duck out of his duties yesterday? ‘Personal matters’ is obviously code for ‘clone trouble’.

Her giant bat wings are still visible

For years the leathery wings on Princess Kate’s back have been small enough to be concealed by hunting jackets and loose shirts. Maybe it’s a hormone thing, but now she’s got the wingspan of an albatross and could swoop around like a bat if she wanted to. Until zoologists find a way to safely remove them, she will be avoiding public life.

Aliens won’t give her back

Princess Kate is the perfect human specimen, are you really so naive as to think this would not attract the attention of extraterrestrials? They want to study her flawless smile, understand her immaculate sense of style, and recreate her ethereal elegance on their home planet. Just like building an extension this is taking twice as long as expected, so they’ll probably return her around May.

The shapeshifting failed

Talented Kate’s party trick is transforming into other objects and people, with her impressions of political figures and celebrities often going down a storm at Royal bashes. Sadly though she’s got stuck in the form of Bradley Walsh and can’t remember how to go back to normal. She’s condemned to either living the rest of her life in secret or presenting light entertainment shows, but cannot decide which is less worse.

She’s had a dodgy haircut

Like many women who have recently hit their 40s, Kate’s decided it’s time for a change and gone for a drastic new hairstyle. She thought a pixie cut would make her look cute and young, but she’s somehow more reminiscent of Shirley Carter from Eastenders. It’s going to take at least two years for that lustrous mane to grow back, so we won’t be seeing her anytime soon. This is the least believable rumour of all. The Palace would never allow it, as there’s too little hair in that marriage already.

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